5 Men

Why are there days when inside you feel so ugly, so worthless. You feel that if you disappeared no one would even notice. That your life is really not that important.

You see yourself in reflections and mirrors and you see what your feeling on the inside matches you on the outside.

Today, was a bad day for me. I felt like crying, I saw myself. The real me I guess, the one I pretend isn’t fat or ugly I stare at her when I catch her reflection, because I think who would want that.. would like that. To have sex with that?

For some reason today I just thought about who I am, what I have become and how emotionally shut off I have become.

I can’t ever move on or find someone because I am tortured about who I am and what will happen if I let them in.

5 Men in the two months alone that could of been something perhaps/maybe… but I live in the fantasy world that create and I think to much about it. I think about my body, I think about what would happened if I let them in, I think about who they are and what they really want from me, would it be so bad to just have sex with out feeling anything? I promised myself I don’t know when this crazy promised happened, But I promised I wouldn;t sleep with some just for the sake of it. I would only do it when I was sure, when I was in love. I can’t just keep giving it away.  That if I did when I did want to sleep with someone ..it  would be REAL. I want friendship, I want him to know me. I want him to like me.

Guy one: Smart, Hansom, wealthy, loads to talk about, Tall, popular… great job, great house, pretty much seemed like a great guy on paper- we had one ‘drink’ get to know each other date. He kissed me and it followed with flirty text messages. After 5 days of endless sexual innuendo, not helped by me giving it to him back. I asked him out on a date. He agreed, but then he stopped texting- 2 days later, he called me and said he just wasn’t felling it. Not a big issue, we had been on one date. I deleted him from Face book, I deleted his phone number.

OUTCOME: OK so thought what it could of been, he was a nice guy,, but face book stalking clearly showed he only ever been out with Thin girls, Chubby me may not of cut it. I think perhaps he liked that we had allot in common that I was smart and he works in politics and at the very least I could keep up with him on that, and maybe he thought that I would sleep with him. We met on a dating website, but clearly he just wanted some one night stand sex.. however… FRIDAY NIGHT.. almost 2 months after he cut contact he text’s me at 8.30pm. And asks if I want to meet him in town for a drink? I MEAN, really, WHY would do that. WHY would text a girl you told you didn’t ‘like’ and two months later text her again for booty call. It’s just blows my mind. – I text back, and flirt with him, but do not follow up on his offer.

Guy Two: Sweet, Nerdy, older then me, very much like my EX. Introverted, workaholic, not many friends. We went on ONE amazing date he was a gentlemen, caring, charming.. I starting to think perhaps this is who I should start to see. We had nice phone calls, he would say ‘dad jokes’ which I put down to him being a little new to this dating thing. We had a romantic 2nd date in Melbourne, we were both working there so we had dinner at the airport I paid, he didn’t change out of his work gear. He said things that made me cringe.

OUTCOME: I had doubts- he reminded me so much of all the things I didn’t want in a new boyfriend he was so much like Mark. But the nerd that at first I thought was sweet- I would think would be annoying when introducing him to my friends. My fantasy of him sharing a beer with all my couple friends came crashing down, I couldn’t leave him alone with any of my friends, he had nothing in common with them. I self sabotage this from this point because I’m confused.. I planned my next move with him- I told him I was sick for 4 days.. I see NOW this was more of test that I didn’t know I was giving him at the time. It was a test to see how long he would stick around. He didn’t. He failed it, the good old push him away and see if he comes back.

Guy Three: I went speed dating on Thursday, I flirted with all of them, drank wine and then ended up making out with one of them. I know in my soul he’s not looking for anything, he just wanted a fuck. I gave him my phone number. He was older had been divorced, he was lonely. Besides he doesn’t want anything more then just sex. We traded sexy text message for a few hours but then blank.

OUTCOME: He text me at 9:30pm on Saturday night, (HOW r U) didn’t reply. My head was telling me that I shouldn’t reply he doesn’t want me, he just wants sex. And why would he want SEX with ME? I’m huge.. ok I look alright with some makeup and the right dress but underneath it 100kgs of lard…. MONDAY night I felt guilty so I text him back and claimed I had lost my phone for the weekend. He called me an hour later (I ignored it)

Guy Four: 11 years ago I did camp America. He was a nice. yet rather crewed Aussie boy who was a few years older then me. Perhaps not the smartest banana in the bunch, but he was funny and made me laugh. Saw him for a mini reunion on Friday and Saturday. We picked up where we had left off flirting – back then I was thinner, he tried to kiss me and I couldn’t I was to scared. Now 11 years on, fatter and older.. we only flirted as friends

OUTCOME: He touched me, on the leg, both nights- it was strange. Was he trying to tell me that this wanted more then just friendly flirting, or was I reading into it? At times he held his hand close to mine, but I would pull away, my natural reaction. Thinking someone like him would never like someone like me. After a few hours I think he just thought, well it’s the friend zone. Does he like me? Did he want more?

Lastly: TROY. He text’s, we flirt, we have kissed again- he wants to sleep with me.. But I can’t let that happen

How is it that I feel so undesired, so unloved, unworthy – so ugly, fat nothing special. How can these MEN find the outside me even one bit desirable. The inside me is so broken… I fear if I sleep with one of them It will open up new hurt in me. And this mad, this crazy person that I keep to myself that I hide, and only let come out in here will escape. Or worse that I will become even more numb then I am at the moment.

Everyone leaves me- everyone