Sadness and self sabotage

Song No Church in the wild Kanye youtu.be/FJt7gNi3Nr4

You know how some days can start off ok, but end like the world around you came crashing down.

I know the answers to all my questions. I am so fucked up …

I went on a date with a boy and I thought it went well, again, what is wrong with me? We planned to go on another date, but he called and said he’s not feeling it…. One date I don’t even get another… WHY.. because I am FAT

I am just not thin.. this body is killing me both inside and out. It protects me even when I don’t want it to. Emotionally I want to be with someone I want to find love, but my body and my mind will not let me. The pain and the fear of being hurt in my head, and that is also masked by my FAT body..

Self sabotage I thought I had out grown it, but I upon reflection.. it was me just fooling myself again

This is not a life I want for myself… yet I do it over and over again.

I don’t know what I did- but it was so bad that CS ended our friendship of over 16 year. Flew all the way to his wedding, and now 2 months Nothing… he will not tell me why.. But I can take a stab.. I think I know deep down inside.

I’m Demanding.. that’s what someone told me. I was to demanding. TO needy is that what they meant. I care to much about other people? I care to much because I want people to care back….

I’m jealous of everyone Else’s happiness, I am jealous..

I want people to see me- I want a boy to see my pain. I want him to tell me he can make it stop. To heal me from fear. that I can trust him. I just don’t trust any man if he likes me.

I am smart, and not ugly.. but it doesn’t matter… FAT is all they see.. and couple that with this need to want to be loved, to want them to help me, to want them to LIKE me for me… and the fear of being hurt. I just can’t move past it. I’m so scared

Does anyone know what it feels like to know that people like. I feel it from them. sometimes Ignore it.. sometimes I tell me my to give it chance.. But I always am right….

I feel like Sookie from true blood. she can hear people’s thoughts… But I can feels peoples thoughts. It’s getting more and more powerful.. It’s more with people who I have just met or meeting.

Trust, Hate and secrets and lies – I pick that up from them. I feel it ooze from the moment I clamp eyes on them. I feel when their thoughts change towards me. Someone can be fine with me, but then the next they don’t.

when it comes to me, and interest in me I ignore the feelings… I pretend they are not there. I try and tell myself that I can’t be right. That I should give them a chance.

BUT I am always.. ALWAYS right.