Broken people

 

Song: Sting – Shape of Heart – http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A6by9nOo4BQ&feature=related

Song: Eric Clapton – I get lost http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NcXnchu1xDU

I have not heard from Troy.. even thou I saw him last night, and it was my test of how he would react (he passed).- BUT I think he tested me right back. To see if he likes me.

I don’t think he wants to be anything more then friends. So I will stop this ‘thing’ it cause’s nothing but insanity.. within me and within my group- I can handle it.. the jokes the talk behind my back, it doesn’t bother me.. not really because I’m not hiding anything. I told Kim. It out there..

However – I’m as get deeper and deeper into this Diary, (which I started to help me heal) it also shows how very scared I am.

I’m so very broken. And to trust someone who appears to have it so together. Or start on a path with someone who has told me who they are and what they want is that just self imposed sabotage?

Then again he may just be as fucked up as me and plays these games right back to not get involved.

Two broken people with trust and commitment issues is never good.

I am also someone who talks about everything and he has always been away from that part of me.

it’s driving me nuts that he hasn’t replied to my text messages.

I know he is out with someone tonight, he cancelled our ‘movie’ to meet his new flatmate.. so he said. But I know deep down that doesn’t appear to be true.

The problem is I think Troy likes me, and likes that I can see him in these different ways and listen to him. I think he likes seeing certain sides of me, but I think he also still thinks about Kim.. and I’m to close to the memory of her for him. and maybe there are other things like- I think she is great but she is to fat?

he and I are both alone- and I think this is what he does. He sleeps with people who are friends…and plays it down as just fun. Because he’s good at it.

No matter what I can’t text him back (I KNOW THIS) …. yet I will give in because I like the feeling of him wanting me. Even if it fake, its like an addiction- I have been without a love for so long that I forgotten how much I crave it….