Lost Faith

Song: Bette Midler In my life http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hPh8qcajAEA&feature=fvsr

I feel my dreams slip away day by day.

I recall the moment when I lost who I was, and became who I am.

The moment Mark broke my heart is the most clear of them all. The girl who wanted to be married have kids, be loved. That moment when it was gone I remember over and over.. his words that fell out of his mouth, destroyed my soul, my heart…my faith in men. There are days of course when I think I can recover, when I can move on, but because of that moment, that day the conversation I became a new me. I was forever changed

The other moment is shared between the man who is my real father and the man who is my step father. Both of them tore a part of me away with words…. rejection because of who I am.

Then bit by bit, two people I thought I could lean on turned away- and this of course showed me that no one, NOT even someone you can call friend, best friend will be there for you.

With Mark I can simply ignore it as I never have to see him, The same with my Real father and my friends.

But my step father… I can’t I relive the pain every time. I feel so useless, he makes me feel so unloved, like I am nothing, and yet I want him to say just one word to me. I want him to say I proud of me, that I love you no matter what. But it’s not true. Have you ever felt that your parent hates you… it the most horrific feeling.

The sad this- is that I carry around this cross, this pain – it makes it hard for me to form ‘new relationships’ with men foremost.

That boy I was seeing dumped me, could it because I was trying to hard? Because I want so much to be loved by a man? To seek his approval- but instead I put up these big hoops.. I show them my scars, my wounds of the past and they don’t want to take it on.