Worthy of the dream.

Song: Jill Scott He loves me http://www.youtube.com/watch

Tomorrow I am going a on a date. He seems to have it all on paper…. I think about what it would be like to be with someone again. I think about things that I hate about being with someone….. it scares me, because with all the feelings I want to be have a relationship, I also think that I have been on my own now for 3 years and the last time I was in love with someone I was all over the place. I was so young and so awkward, and so unsure of how to be with a man.

I remember not thinking that I don’t like having sex, I remember hating that I ‘had’ to or he would leave, I remember being so in love with him, I remember hating him, I remember feeling safe, I remember letting someone see everything for the first time, and him still loving me. I remember the moment it all ended. I think about it all. The good the bad and the ugly.

As bad is it sounds to say this.

I am on an online dating site. I’m to scared to date men who are attractive… or thin. So I pick men who are fatter then me, who are large and perhaps not that attractive. I think to myself that I can’t get anyone else the size I am.

But then deep inside of me, I think am I selling myself short (giving up)… time is ticking, and I’m not getting any younger or thinner.. so rather then wait for myself to find that man I have to just go with what I can get… 

I don’t feel worthy of man with it all..

If I had self worth, I would look after myself.. but it’s just a never ending circle…