for all the OD victims of the don imus firing

That was tight —I take the checks and face the facts That some producer with computers Fixes all my shitty tracks — very truthful, I love it

F*******************************CK

ryn: Hah. Mate, I seriously doubt you’re capable of saying anything harsh enough to bother me. It’s all after the event now anyway, I can’t really try/do anything else any more. So say anything you like to me. I will try not to call you redundant now I don’t need you to explain intelligent sorted planet security femaleness to me any more… we can go back to religious arguments or summat.

I’m just being a dickhead, don’t talk to Notliberal, he’ll drive you mad, I’d hate to be responsible. Yeah, I’d love to see you argue that one. Natalie’s had a lot of shit heaped on her for the past year, only half of which is due to me, and yes I’ve been wilfully ignoring half of it because she’s not, you know, half killing herself or losing jobs or getting fucked because she can’t cope

– she holds it together. Having a lot to deal with doesn’t make you fucked up. Not dealing with it makes you fucked up.

Says you with your boyfriend of two partners, who didn’t start having sex till he was older than me! Or was he just not interested in sex between marriageable partners and before he’d squandered the chance to ever have teenage sex? Don’t believe a word of it!

Matt2’s alright. No good at pattern recognition though.

I didn’t really mean people would disapprove of me being slutty. Don’t matter though.

Mmm, interesting… can’t imagine Jeremy being shining core. I think it’s something to do with having a sense of humour. Women who haughtily tell me to do things just for their own convenience are my favourite kind.

You seriously have to have the highest ratio of How intersted I am in you to How much I know about you. I’d really try to find more but you leave pretty much zero to grab a hold of. Notes to michael aren’t exatly what I take with me to curl up beside the reading lamp.

It’s ok though, you just do your thing.

You sent me on a massive LJ sidequest, where apparently I have no clue what my password is. I did find a really interesting story from another one of my friends, so thanks! As far as shrinks… I’ve never really met one I respected enough to be straight with. Most of the time, it was me being forced to go when I was a kid. I’m still surprised at how successfully manipulative I was at a young age.

Okay I managed to reset it and add you as a friend. I hope my lack of creativity in a name is intuitive enough. Also, no promises on readership, I wouldn’t even call what I do here “keeping up.”

Yesterday was one of those family orientated American days that I’ve been thankfully spared, wasn’t it? Hope you survived.

ryn: Nah mate, just one of those weeks where it’s better to shut up and not bother people. Um, you don’t appear to have been online either, missus.

I don’t write so they DON’T worry.

John only tells me off when I’m nice to women! Sorry, i know I’m a bit loopy, I should probably leave off writing till it settles. I can’t stop myself talking either it’s right weird. But I feel pretty ok and all the psycho feelings have gone except the nightmares so that’s summat yeah? I don’t know mate, this is what happens when they muck around with your brain I guess. Sorry.

ah yeah well, he’s right and all… I don’t think he’s all concerned about Maggie or anything, probably just sick of picking up the pieces every time.

But it’s not like I’m into her or anything.

I said I’m sorry. At least you haven’t been living with me or sleeping with me.

My grandad didn’t want to know.

I think Arctic Monkeys have got nowt on us really… they’re good kids from good families and all: just sarky. And observant. Pah, be nicer to me about the nondrinking thing. Being a 19 year old male out on the pull and not drinking doesn’t involve peer pressure as much as peer bludgeoning. I get so sick of having to tell people how much is fucking wrong with me just to make them back off.

I thought I’d written tangled bits about misogyny like that for years. Even though I’m aware you’re not really a fortune teller and even though I know completely well the only thing to do is try and forget it completely or compartmentalise it or summat, sometimes I wish you’d tell me what to do about Natalie.

John’s not that bad. It’s mostly show these days. He’s not even that big really. I do need help too often, and I do need to toughen up, and I don’t need a dad, though you’re right, slaps=dads in my head, pretty much. And I dunno why some people get taken with me. I don’t encourage it.

I don’t think he’s taking the piss out of you, I think he’s trying to coax me into more explicit sex entries. re: being K’s sex slave: she says she’s bored of girls now. I always knew she was a wannabe dyke, a term I hadn’t used since 16 but happily resurrected just for you. She toys with girls in clubs sometimes, she’s slept with a few.

If you can get Jeremy to leave me notes about filth and feminism, I can try and convince Kira that the internet is not the source of all evil, but I think both are lost causes. I think she blames OD for a lot of (16 year old) things that she strictly should blame ME for, but anyway.

ryn: just cause you never got two boys in bed.

You can never successfully hide your disapproval from me, you may as well be upfront about it! It’s alright… it scares me too for all the same reasons but I’m doing it anyway. I’m not sure you really understand why, for all your neat labels and lipservice acceptance for these sorts of relationships. (I know it’s not safe, emotionally, but nothing in my life is very emotionally safe anyway.)

Natalie’s just guilty about me, though fuck knows why, I’d be dead if not for her. Given what’s happened recently, I’m beginning to wonder if it’s more because of how fucked things are medically than anything else, like she never had the heart to tell me outright how everything’s going to end up but she’s known for ever and ever. I’m such a fucking optimist.

I just love the Ben Folds.