The Phoenix

Eh… I’m glad you understand. I’m coming off like a pop star who writes sad songs about how difficult fame is. later, I will write an entry about my trainers and continue ignoring all my daft noters. I’ve read that poem before, and yeah I see your point. Where is it from?

And: I made you use your diary. I made Jeremy leave me a note. I am all powerful, basically.

Beauty.

Christ, I’m losing my mind. I thought you were being nice. Now it all makes sense. ps. Lush is a shop designed to shoplift from.

I don’t think Natalie really is fucking with my head. I think my head is just a bit fucked, and when she/anyone talks to me, that becomes apparent. So I can decide to, you know, not talk to people.

Maybe. She wants some imaginary never-existed version of me that I keep spitefully not being.

I don’t even fancy blondes…

Most everything you say means a lot. If only you weren’t so spectacularly geeky. I think my parents have put me into a not-so-great mood. I’d apologise for whining on about it but you told me to keep writing. I’m sick of the dreams, I’m pretty sick of myself I think. How are you? Other than aroused by bad fantasy…

I’m not sure I do “handle” the dreams. They are just dreams though. And it’s not like I live the day oblivious and have scary dreams at night. You remember that Franny & Zooey concept of the Jesus prayer? That is sort of what’s it like, having someone who’s not really separate from you, and was even before he was gone or I knew he was dead. Constant awareness of his presence or lack of.

I’m glad Jeremy is doing better.

I don’t know much about lucid dreaming, but surely you need to realise a dream is a dream before you can “turn” it lucid? I’ve never realised a dream was a dream before waking.

Hah. John would kill me. The only saving grace in the fact he was RIGHT ALL ALONG AS USUAL is that if he kicks off about Andy now everyone just thinks he’s jealous, hahaha. Aren’t the bishounen kids normally breathless virgins? I’m assuming here.

Unfortunately, and I have no idea how to say this without sounding pathetic, the only times I really start thinking “wait, there’s no way this should be happening to me” is when I’m happy. I have a strong feeling if I ever actually had control over my dreams the things that happened to me in them would get a lot nastier. I dunno, mate.

Why do I have to be the one who gets pinned down?! John is not angry out of all proportion, so there. He is smug because he thinks I am probably a bit weirded out and thus will have less time for Andy. (I am annoying him by refusing to be weirded out.) Or so I have the impression, reading between the lines of four hundred jokes about vans and Latvians.

Though I’m not sure if you’re trying to make me fuck Andy or John here. If it’s John you’ve already lost, as we’ve ended up wasted and fighting innumerable times and are both complete sluts so anything that’s going to happen would have already happened, though of course maybe it did and we were both too slaughtered to remember 🙂 As for Andy, eh, he’s way too goodlooking for me. Haha.

I lied. One belt. Sorry. Keshan isn’t strictly foreign, she hasn’t got an accent and lived here most of her life (my handy guide to who’s foreign). But yes, Natalie was sort of oddly fascinating in that she was a decade older than me but didn’t want to beat me up constantly.

I think I give off some hormone that attracts Keshans. John is always amazed by how old and how crazy they all are.

In what way could I be “more messed up”? What… dead? I don’t know many – any – people who fuck up as spectacularly and as often as I do. There are nastier people in the world, but I’m not sure they’re half as much of a liability, especially to themselves. Guess it goes hand in hand.

The pre-damage wasn’t accidental either.

Thank you, Miss Dictionary. Though of course I meant I lit myself on fire at that point, and created an adjective to describe the event.

A note I have no idea where to leave: you know, I was very pleased by the large amounts of Yorkshire characters in Jonathan Strange, who were all more wearily smart than everyone else in it. (Well, Childermass was.)

So is Andy too “scary” to be yaoi now?

I’m texting Andy right now, despite the fact he is planning my downfall. I live life on the edge!

Andy has my post from my old flat though. *weighs it up* *checks out your breasts*

You always hate anyone who wants to fuck me, at least at first. It’s ok, I don’t understand it either.

I prefer to keep people’s expectations low. cha!

ryn: But since when was I ever interested in pulling girls!? 😛

It’s not about having perfect health, it’s about ensuring no one with access to vulnerable people is a danger to them, and it’s totally pointless training up people to then have their registration rejected by the gmc or whatever. And it’s not something that’s required of students, it’s something that’s required of medical students.

Natalie’s acting guilty enough for me to be pretty sure no appeal’s going to come to anything. I kind of hate myself when I’m not working a lot.

Nowt to hate, mate.

Maybe you just got finally used to me writing about having sex with girls I’m not going to marry. I mean, you even thought Anna was cute, and pretended not to be disturbed by Lila (if temporarily – when pressed of course you announced that only my gender saved me from lifelong trauma, even though you don’t notice gender exists). I always respected Natalie – I think you didn’t pick up on it before.

http://www.opendiary.com/entryview.asp?authorcode=D321666&entry=20174 So read it again. Beats anything I’m going to write tonight.

You’re a real star, you know. Thanks for the vote of confidence, I’m not sure I even share it myself. John is a being an absolute model of restraint, especially given everything he clearly wants to say to me is true.

Your faith in me has always been as completely weird to me as Natalie’s, you know. But that may be because you’re not on OD so I don’t see all your unconditional support to other useless people, which is why I tend to dismiss all of it out of hand normally. And yeah, I know of Orson Scott Card (never read any). That doesn’t mean he’s popular, I probably know of more authors than some people. <P> While we’re on book talk… Children of Men is good and then it goes all Chrysalids at the end, as I recall. Both books I really wanted to like when I was a kid, but the ends sucked.

I’m not really seeing a correlation between “living up to my potential” and “not fucking up my head”… the latter sort of involves getting into bed (presumably in a house paid for by someone else) and not ever breathing, living, thinking or getting up in case I hurt myself. E is roughly as naughty as, you know, working, according to all that shit. And none of it has ever made any difference toanything, except getting my head kicked in. Also, you and Natalie both may choose to believe if I’m fucked off my head I can’t control my behaviour, but. Well. Drugs don’t quite work like that. And being drunk/fucked is no legal get out clause, quite rightly so. Same principle. And I was so sure you were too fraught to be disappointed in me right now 😉 My regards to Jeremy, eh?

Ooh, was that disapproving? Normally when you act like a thesaurus around me for no apparent reason it’s because you disapprove of my sex life! Maybe you’re just tired, eh. Sleep well, mate.

Yeah, Keshan’s not as bad as she likes to make out she is and Natalie’s no saint really, and there is some overlap in the way they think of me, though not the way they express it. I don’t really know why you’re appalled though. It sort of depresses me, but it’s sort of – self-evident? I mean why did you think people slept with me? There’s a sort of appeal to experienced I suppose, and there’s a whole different sort of appeal to young-but-old… I dunno. I like Natalie a lot for actually admitting to it, most people don’t. Anyway, the reason why someone sleeps with you initially is not necessarily the same reason why they continue to (in my life anyway, where I sleep with strangers a bit).

My sunlit Kira time is defined by its temporality, to me… one day when I was 14, one day when I was 15, two stupid knew-it-would-fuck-up weeks when I was 16… I’ve never had a relationship where I felt like I had any time to slow down and let sex just develop as it will, I always want to do everything before it breaks up…

Um… I wasn’t in a relationship with Natalie then, so I’m not that bothered. I can see why you wouldn’t want Jeremy to fuck you as a virgin fantasy, but you went out with him way before you knew for sure he wasn’t DATING you as a virgin fantasy. Which – to me – is getting an awful lot closer and more potentially damaging to someone than just sex. See, I may be somewhat easier to get into bed,but you’re a lot easier to get into relationships 🙂 And I think they’re more significant, personally!

But no, I don’t think she wanted to sleep with me because of that. It’s more that because of various things about me she didn’t stop when she normally would have stopped with an 18 year old, I guess. That’s why when I said to her: “why did you sleep with me the first time?” she replied “you mean why didn’t I stop?” And she didn’t try and go out with me or anything fucked up like that, Ireally don’t believe she ever had designs on me that way. It was – just really good sex, originally.

And hey, the misbehaviour thing is separate and I have no problem with it at all. I go for it too. It’s why I like Keshan being mean to me and laugh through all the insults. It’s why I find John hilarious even when I disapprove of what he’s doing. It’s why I take drugs I shouldn’t, because the night blurs and the music thumps through and fuck it anyway. It’s why I loved every single bit of Kira. I get it. I really don’t think I’m much like it, but I get it. I’m not sure you do, for all your talk of moxie.

Yeah yeah yeah 😛 Things are pretty squee your end too, eh! It almost makes up for the fact I just read that Notliberal is having a child.

ryn: hey I was fucking convinced too! They only kept me waiting for a fucking month! (Now I’ve missed the first week of it, bastards. I have to turn up late and dubious on monday, god forbid I make a normal entry to anything! Hopefully I can catch up…)

what a wonderful thing to come to having clicked the link to reply to your note. i was just going to say thanks for all the links. i was too lazy to find them myself. at the moment, i would be prepared to give away decks, as long as postage was paid, just to ensure they go to a good home.

i’ll put them aside for you.

Ellie’s alright, she’s just young… she sort of knows I live in a different world to her, but it doesn’t really occur to her that sorting out your own place to live and job (not now, I mean, when you were a kid) is any more traumatic than your mum not letting you dye your hair or summat. I don’t totally disagree with what she was saying, either. But yeah, I could never be bothered to defend myself in arguments like that, it’s totally pointless, people can think what they like. Um – I have to admit I’m not totally above sleeping with people because they piss me off, though, which is John’s usual reaction… not Ellie though, she’s too young.

I know, it’s hilarious. Everyone hates to be thought of as merely part of the teeming masses. (You do it too though!) (And I probably do it to your livejournalers: “what, I’m not one of them! I mean half of them are actually people you know in real life, I’m far more important to you than them!”)

ry other n I wasn’t implying you ever were like that!

Hehe, only you had to wait as long for your sex life as I did for my education! (Though in your defence, at least you were uninterested in sex back then, I’ve been pathetically trying to get into uni/school/college/summat since I was 15!)

Well, I think sheltered does really mean stupid in the same way that immature means stupid, like “stupid, but it’s not your fault if you’re young, it’s just normal”. Essentially, you know less. On the other hand, I have been very stupid on multiple occasions and never even had the excuse of being sheltered.

Midwich Cuckoos is a bit dry, but it’s fairly typical in style and concepts. If you hate it, you’ll probably hate all of his.

I guess I’ve mostly seen it in list form, ie, “there are many causes of X: physical, psychological, iatrogenic”. There are large sections about “iatrogenic disease” in this geriatric medicine book I read yesterday. re: your frustration with my lack of Latin education: mate, I have no education at all! Doing everything from scratch here…

Heh, no, he’s always been like that, he buys the weirdest shit, and having no money never stops him doing so… it’s sort of adorable or infuriating or terrifying depending on our finance levels. Hell, Jackie Chan was an impulse buy… (literally, off some kid in the street: “hey mate, do you want a kitten? only a tenner!”)

Offie = off-licence = shop selling alcohol. What do you call them over there?

Haha, that’s something I hadn’t thought of. So, does this invalidate all your previous horoscopes?

Hah, no wonder I hated him. Though I’ve yet to groom a small child to be my lifelong angelic support, and I fully believe sluts should date other sluts 😉

Funnily enough the book reminded me of you – though I think it was just my perception of your taste in (fictional/religious) men. Or just the concept of saving yourself (when young AND after he’d died) for someone tragic, experienced, needy, etc… this is a taste more from when you were younger than now I think. I did really like it by the way, I’m just grumpy.

You may have the distinct advantages of both being blonde and having possibly actually attended weddings, but I’m not swallowing that one, missus.

Sometimes it’s a good thing you’re taken, American and an internet person, you know. You’re annoyingly jumpable. Yeah, Nat’s all about the chemistry. She can explain metabolic pathways to me and all, man that shit is dull.

I should stop listening to you. You make me too fucking optimistic. Now I feel at the point of needing a tarot reading, or at least a lot of alcohol. Ah, back to biochemistry.

write is the third link from the left.

No… should I have? It’s one of those things I’ve been strategically avoiding because I thought it would piss me off. I don’t have much tolerance in fiction for right wing or religious (including evangelical atheism: Philip Pullman was hard work for me) or, more specifically, characters used as political/logical statements, and that was the impression I’ve always had of it… optimism: yeah well, I didn’t tell you or anyone else about med school applications for fairly valid reasons!

Nonsense, you love propaganda! That’s why you’re so into religions and geeky stuff and stuffing yourself into various little definitions even when they don’t match up with anything you do or say. 😛 I haven’t read it, so it’s not an opinion on Ayn Rand, it’s just – there are a thousand books in the world I DO want to read, so I don’t go digging out ones that don’t interest me much. But I mighthave got the wrong impression. What would I like about it?

ps. I feel a bit cheeky asking for tarot reading when I cheerfully think it’s all a load of shit (it, not your opinions on people/me, which are intelligent and thoughtful and don’t alter with religious framing really). But if you’re bored!

I guess I just need telling to give it up with Natalie, idiot. But I know that, so I’m not sure why I should need telling.

It’s not you, though I’m not sure it’s that unusual either. No one ever really knows what to say about John anyway. This happens in real life a lot too. I think they sleep with him in absence of knowing what to say.

I figured you’d be blathering about losing-virginity pain vs. s&m. Kira was always completely careless about the fact I apparently really hurt her (years later, she told me), and I still feel bad. People are nuts, aren’t they. Waiting for my fortune with bated breath.

ryn: Hah, I wouldn’t go as far as affection… awareness, maybe.

Everyone else gets to write surveys without being told off. I am exactly that bored again right now (or, at least, need a break from calcium homeostasis) – but rather than heartwarming Jackie Chan stories I’ve gone for insulting John’s girlfriends.

It’s not that I wouldn’t try the lucid dreaming, it’s just you seem to be describing it as realising “this can’t happen” when you’re dreaming, and I don’t see how that works when it did fucking happen. I guess I’m just really scared of making them worse. I’m not waking up at the moment, I just go from dream –> normal life. I will not fucking cope if it starts happening the other wayround and I start getting them awake, I will be fucking committed. And they seem pretty fucking real at the moment, but if I’m actually conscious enough to think, “did this really happen?” and my waking brain confirms “yes” -how could that make it any easier?

But I’ll try it anyway. Meds make dreams more fucked up, and I’m out of options… though you might be right about the more-sleep thing. Hope you’re surviving thanksgiving.

If I’d seen anything approaching a correlation in the past four years I might be listening to you. But I live rough without food or sleep and I don’t black out and I fucking black out in Natalie’s kitchen not working sleeping as much as I ever sleep fed and safe, you know? I quit drinking for about six months when I was 17 and I did smack and nearly killed myself after I found out Tim was deadand NO CORRELATION at all. Getting my head kicked in, mind, that worked. Instantly. Hasn’t stopped working, really.

Being able to have an odd night out with John means more to me. Not that I even CARE, I just can’t be arsed, it doesn’t work. And Natalie never stopped giving me wine and shit at her house and never seemed worried so I think it’s just a thing they feel they have to say to you…

I can’t even really work out what you’re saying, but I’m sure this is because I’m knackered not you’re making no sense. It’s not fair to Natalie to guilttrip my way back into her life because I’m not well. You have obligations to patients: you sure as fuck don’t to exes: it’s not fair to mix that. And I SAID that, the first time I slept with her.

Telling insomniacs to get more sleep is like telling homeless people to get themselves jobs. I’m not doing it on purpose!! It’s not even about one-sidedness really. I stick by him as much as I can, but it doesn’t alter the fact he’s scared because he doesn’t have anyone else and I’m a state half the time and broke/useless/injured/ill the rest and he’s got no one to GO TO with that and I know he’s pissed off about how everything turned out with Natalie even though he’s trying not to be and to that all I can say is if he goes near his fucking dad I’ll kill him because to me having no one is a lot fucking better than the alternative. And I’m pretty sure I disagree with the notion that if two people are in a relationship it can’t be one-sided because they have each other…

I just thought you’d understand how fucking knackered and sick of it he is. Like if you’d been dragged to Florida but you were working nonstop because there was no money. And if you had no mates or family to whine to or go to. And if you knew that if anything went really bad it would just be you left and nowhere to go. And if Jeremy wasn’t in fact ill but was just a FUCKING HEADCASE.

am so relieved he actually came home. Right now I am doing all the work I did yesterday again because I didn’t take any of it in I was so fucking panicky.

She shouldn’t be buying me anything, we broke up! Am totally chuffed yeah. And shut up, learning anatomy from text is fucking impossible.

Was all excited at getting a note from Jeremy. ryn: Not unrelatedly, have even less success trying to make Hunter write anything than you do with Jeremy. He flicks things at me and says, “I’m illiterate, leave me alone” -it’s just because he likes stalking me.

What did I say wrong?

She did, yeah. And John was always outraged she wouldn’t give us any prescription drugs he requested in return. That’s my kid…

Who, Natalie, or Kira? Remembering Kira sex is often too depressing or scary to even turn me on these days…

Well. I’m not sure that would be the smartest idea in the world, given he’s throwing shit at me sober. And now you want me to have meaningless vaguely upsetting sex?

Rob gives me full credit! I did the same to Kira anyway, and one of my foster families, and something similar to Nic, it was hardly a one off. I really don’t – care – any more though. I’d break up more families if I could.

(Maybe it’s because I don’t get ‘enthralled’ by adults – to put it in your terms.)

I’m not disagreeing with you, stop yelling at me. “Families” and “abusive situations” have been largely synonymous in my life, that’s all. But it still doesn’t make it any easier when Kira’s yelling at me about why her dad won’t “forgive” her (ie,me) or John says now he’s got no one. Or when Nic said she just wished she’d never met me.

And: I don’t probably think you could do what I do to people, mean what I seem to mean to them, because of what you look for and need and trust in adults – you’re more of a stabilising force than a destructive one, aren’t you? Sorry about the lack of order/logic to my brain right now…

Given you just spent Christmas with them and talk to them all the time, I don’t think he’s done a very good job. I’m sorry if this hurts, it’s all so totally dead to me. All these substitute parents, so fucking many of them, I never fucking cared. If I end up influencing you to tell them to go fuck themselves, I’m not taking any credit for that. Way too far away. I know your parents don’t want to you to marry Jeremy. But they have him in their fucking house. Give you guys PRESENTS. Do you know what Kira’s dad would have ever done to me if he’d got me in the same room? Do you know what Rob DID do to me, the first time he found out I was hanging out with John?

Now I’m in capitals… yeah, you’re right. Why even discuss this… (Because it’s more fun than discussing my health!)

No, I haven’t. But I just wikipediaed her and she hates Harry Potter, so there’s a start. ps. I love your similes, even if I have to wikapedia them too. pps. At uni they are “concerned” medical students wikapedia everything. ppps. Does using wikapedia as a verb bother you? No need for a poll, I can stop.

oh… it was a bit of a crap night is all, nothing major, I didn’t really mean to go full tilt about it. I wasn’t really talking about Matt with sense, just not going out with me. I don’t know anything about him really, do I. She just seemed kind of obsessed with him. Not as a long term prospect though, I didn’t mean she dumped me to marry him or anything. Ah, it’s all pointless to speculate about. She said no, and I’m not a stalker.

The only thing I can think to reply to recent notes is that I do type with a cigarette in the other hand fairly often… Hey, the next time Jeremy questions whether straight women are turned on by guys pretending to be gay, just send him to the note section of my diary, eh?

ryns- 1) Everyone who reads me regularly seems to find it more than believeable, I must come off more mature in short bursts! Alternative theory: random noters are morons. 2) Whatever else you may say about Andy, he’s got to be the safest person to buy drugs off I’ve ever met… serious ones anyway. Not that I’m buying serious drugs. 3) I think Matt hated her husband, so any diametric opposite is probably a better thing in his eyes. Who knows. 4) Noncompliance: aye well, I have to live with the consequences, they don’t. Doctors have also frequently called me pig-headed stubborn, for the record 😉

Sometimes doesn’t seem to be a whole lot of me left. Wonder what he was like.

I dunno mate. You can tell me to pull my shit together and it’s fucking pathetic, but it’s not like I don’t already know it.

You see? See how much I can give to a relationship? I swear I have genuinely played parental-expectation-lowerer for loads of girls. Their lives are so much easier afterwards! They should pay me!

(Hah, you complain about my noters being favourites only, you’re not even on the same site!)