questions …

So, I’m reading something that is encouraging me to answer a couple questions:

If you could do anything …

* where would you live?

* How would you earn an income

* What would your days look like?

* What would you do for fun?

* What would you do more of?

* What would you do less of?

* Where would I live? I like this little city so I think I’d stay here. I’m pretty much in the middle between my kiddies. I’d upgrade to a better house. I don’t mind living in a townhouse and there are some really nice developments here so I would probably look at one of them … or one of the century homes that have been renovated. There are some really nice stone houses … but the prospect of living in a house with a creepy old cellar is my one hesitation. I HATE old cellars.

* How would I earn an income? As much as I complain about my job, I doubt that I’d find anything else where I was given as much freedom or responsibility. I’ve grown up with that place and, although it’s pretty nutty, it’s like home. Every place has it’s pros and cons. Big corporations are completely different from a Mom and Pop shop. Some days I think I would enjoy that environment … but when I talk to my friends in the gov’t, they have as many complaints as I do – except there is a possibility I’ll be heard by the decision makers and there is no hope in hell they will be. In fact, they aren’t even given the option of giving an opinion. So …. yeah, for point two, I would keep working where I do now.

* What would my days look like? I’m assuming that part of ‘if I could do anything’, we’re building in some self discipline. So, since I’m keeping my job, my days would likely look pretty similar … EXCEPT we’d add my yoga in each morning … and we’d add something constructive in the evenings … early bedtime (lights out by 11). Weekends would include more housework, activities like nice long walks, visiting with friends, etc., etc.

* What would I do for fun? Well, as above, I’d have more contact with friends (which would mean I’d need to make more friends), I’d go on more daytrips, I’d go to more movies/concerts/live theatre, eat in more restaurants, shop in more trendy shops, go to a stylist and buy some nicer clothes.

* What would I do more of? Housework! Laugh! Interact with people and, therefore, make more friends.

* What would I do less of? Sitting at home alone wasting time playing computer games.

* * * * *

Does anyone out there suffer from claustrophobia?

It has always lurked in the background for me, but over the years has started to get worse.

I used to live on the 16th floor of a highrise and was comfortable taking the elevators … although, some days when the elevator was packed when everyone was getting home after work, I was uncomfortable.

Now, whenever possible, I avoid taking them. And, I will NEVER get on one with more than a couple other people. I can and do take them when I have to … when I’m staying in hotels, if I have to go to someone’s apartment. But the longer the trip is, the more anxious I get. The trip to William’s 22nd floor apartment did not make me very happy. I refuse to go to the top of any of ‘the world’s tallest buildings’.

As long as I can sense I am moving, I’m okay. It’s when it feels like we’ve stopped that I get antsy. Elevators that seem to pause before the doors open are not my friends! Or, the times when I’ve gotten on with someone and we forgot to push a button because we’re chatting … when I realize we aren’t moving my heart kind of stops.

Ditto for planes. If I’m moving I’m okay (but honestly, after about 5 hours I start to get anxious). Getting belted in and then waiting at the gate … or on the tarmac for more than a few minutes is very stressful. Last year my sister and I sat for over an hour before we taxied for takeoff. I didn’t enjoy that … at all.

Last week, there was a plane that was stuck on the tarmac for 17 hours. I would die. I honestly believe I would have a heart attack and die. Or I would take it upon myself to open the emergency exit!

I’ve never had a panic attack, but I’m not sure how I’d be in a situation like that.

My sister was on a commuter train once and they were stopped for 2 hours. She said a lot of people were upset (yelling that they wanted to get off etc) … so I’m obviously not the only person who has this little phobia.

I’ve already started to stress about going to Thailand in 2015 for William’s wedding. How silly is that? I’m worried that I’ll be stuck on the tarmac for hours in the heat (they tend to turn off the air in those situations). Boss told me about being stuck on a plane for 3 hours in Las Vegas … said it was horrible. He’s a laid back kind of guy, but he was quite uncomfortable and there were a lot of people panicking (screaming) and even the flight crew was obviously shaken.

I laid awake for several hours the other night worrying about it.

I’ve decided that I will definitely be getting a heavy-duty anti anxiety drug before that trip!!!

I believe what is most scary for me is lack of air movement. I get claustrophobic during heat waves in the summer. I need to have a fan blowing on me.

When I have a head cold and get congested, its a similar feeling. I’ve had to leave meetings in closed rooms because of it. At night, I have to get up and walk around because I feel like I’m suffocating.

At the dentist’s office, I sometimes have trouble when the hygenist lays me back so far … I always have congested sinuses and I think that just causes them to drain into my airway.

Yeah. Just a bit of stress.

Anyway … does anyone else have a similar problem, and how do you deal with it when you feel the anxiety begin?

* * * *

My sister Mary called this evening to say that big bro’s UTI is back. They really haven’t been able to clear it up since he was first hospitalized last March. And, we all believe that infection was the catalyst for all his other problems.

He has a permanent catheter and they’ve known all along that he has a recurring/ongoing infection.

She is playing her usual blame game … “I can’t believe they haven’t gotten this figured out yet. He’s getting such bad medical care. They are going to kill him.”

I suggested that he may have drug resistant bacterial infection. We’re hearing about them more and more now and it isn’t like they haven’t been treated him.

Sigh.

Blaming accomplishes nothing. It just makes you angry. Anger is a wasted emotion … and is incredibly negative.

And listening to her blame everyone for our brother’s health problems just frustrates me … and makes me angry … which accomplishes nothing …

So … once she started going down that road I changed the subject.

I’m sure someone might think that indicates I don’t care, but it doesn’t mean that at all.

It’s just that I can’t do anything about his condition … and listening to her complain just annoys me, and I don’t want her negativity to affect my frame of mind … so I change the subject.

I resent very much that she is considered ‘the positive one’ and I am considered ‘the negative one’ … but she is a terribly negative person. Just that people don’t see through her happy facade.

I’ve talked about this before. Sorry. I’m flogging a dead

horse. But, I’m going to flog a bit longer so you can stop reading now if you like …

She has always been everyone’s favourite (well, everyone = grandparents, aunts, teachers). Because she is so positive and happy.

And I resent that too … because she is neither positive nor happy. She is negative and a liar.

I am positive, but honest. And saying the truth is perceived as being negative.

I don’t see it that way at all. Sometimes the truth isn’t all flowery and sunshiny. If you can acknowledge the dark things without laying blame, I think that is being positive. If you can acknowledge the dark things but still look to the future with optimism, I think that is being positive.

I really have to let go of this resentment.

She is who she is. I am who I am. Totally opposite sides of the coins.

Totally. Opposite.

* * * * *

Shit. Now I’m feeling all dark and negative.

I was going to ask you another question – so if you read through the nonsense above, I’d appreciate your thoughts on this.

Actually, based on my rant above, this is a good time to ponder this …

I’m sure everyone has heard about how we need to eliminate our negative ‘self-talk’.

Lately, I’ve really been trying to figure out how I became who I am.

Being in the shadow of an older sister who was ‘everyone’s favourite’ definitely had a huge impact on me. There was no way I could be more nice or thoughtful or pleasant or fun than her, so I didn’t even bother trying.

It turns out that I had her beat to hell in the honesty department, because over the years I’ve learned about how much she lied to my parents … BUT, she was thoughtful and gave them gifts and gushed affection so her lying was either overlooked or they just didn’t know what she was really up to behind their backs.

You know – I just had a breakthrough while writing that paragraph. If only I had known that she was lying back then, I probably wouldn’t have felt so inferior or overwhelmed by the magnitude of her popularity. Nor would I have looked up to her to the extent that I did.

And, I think most of the resentment has come from finding out that she achieved her status as ‘perfect’ based on lies. Indeed, I am not aware of any resentment before a few years ago when I started to realize that she is full of shit.

hmmmmm.

Breakthroughs are good.

… anyway … on to my question.

I’ve done some pretty shitty things along the way. Catching up with my old school friends back in November made me realize that I was very self-centered and really didn’t pay much attention to anyone else back then. As a young adult, I went searching for ‘love’ … sigh. I never found it. But I definitely did some searching … if you know what I mean! … and that whole adventure was really bad for my self-esteem.

I’ve discovered that I’ve always been way more self-centered than I realized.

It’s important to acknowledge these things and face them head on.

My question is: Is looking back and saying “man I was a selfish little brat back then” negative self-talk?

I’m not a selfish little brat anymore. That’s positive self-talk!

Another example – I openly acknowledge that I can be abrupt … is that acknowledgement negative? I don’t think it is, but do you consider it ‘negative self-talk’ when I say “I’m abrupt”. I’m really not criticising myself … I’m being honest. And, I honestly like my candor.

Is it ‘negative self-talk’ when I look in the mirror and say “oh my God I look just like Mom?” … the problem here being that I was never someone who thought my Mom was beautiful. (You know how some kids thing their mother is beautiful??? I didn’t. (Sorry Mom) But, now I wish I had because then I’d look in the mirror and go “oh my God, I’m beautiful!”) It is a bit disturbing to look in the mirror and see that I’m older, even though I’m fairly comfortable with my age and the process. But, my comment isn’t negative. I’m not an old hag, but I am middle aged. I don’t feel terrible about myself, but I do see room for improvement. Is that negative??

* * * * *

Holy Crap – it’s after midnight. How did this happen?

Thankfully, tomorrow is a stat holiday. Yay for ‘Family Day’!

* I WISH YOU WELL! *