You are (not so) indelible

I have had an opendiary account for nearly fifteen years. I used it off an on through almost half my life when I needed space to reflect on my life and myself. It was the best and the worst of me condensed into writing. I tried to log on for the first time in six months, only to discover it was gone. Poof. Almost a thousand entries just gone when the site owners pulled the plug. My username on that blog was indelible too. Right now, I don’t feel so indelible. I had a collection of diaries that I followed and users I felt connected to in a way that you often don’t feel connected to people in real life because we express things into the infinite void of the internet that we don’t with the people around us, even those we are closest to. I am mourning the loss of that connection almost as much as I mourn the loss of my personal history in writing.

This could be liberating. A fresh new blog where I am who I am now, at this point, without any of the devastating and often embarrassing baggage. I pulled no punches in that blog. I shone spotlights on my least flattering aspects and actions at times in my life that I am not proud of. However, instead of feeling liberating, it feels like cheating and taking the easy way out without acknowledging and owning my past. It feels like losing the last of my friends who can truly appreciate the person I am because they have been there through everything, relevant or irrelevant, that brought me to this place. It is overwhelming. There is so much to say, but with no context.

Maybe that is why I am having so much difficulty with the idea of starting a new blog. I am truly anonymous words with no context.

“Men are men, vows are words, and words are wind.”

Without context, words are just wind that blow through you and are gone.

I need to add my own context now. Decide what worth and relevance my words have here and now.