Why is it?

Why is it, whenever I think about Ray, all I want to do is masturbate? Nobody has ever turned me on as much as Ray did. His personality, his body, his face, smells, touches, everything! Even he will admit, when were were together our bodies seemed to just fit together. My mind, body, heart, and soul misses Ray. Not in a "I’m going to kill you" creepy way, but everything just misses him.

Maybe Alex is his way of trying to get his youth back. All his newer friends are pretty young as well. Does he think hanging out with them will somehow make him younger? I really hope Alex is just a phase that Ray is having. I can forgive that if we ever had a second chance.

Truth be told, as I have stated, a part of me will always love Ray unconditionally. I would be with him again in a heart beat if I knew he would try, not just run away. Did I live for 5 months, falling for a mask he was wearing? or did I fall for him? I’ve never felt this connection I have with him, so strongly, with anyone else.

With or without Ray, I will be somebody. I start school soon, I am writing a book; only about 10% done but still that is something! If Ray cant see how much i have done while being with him, getting a car, overspending to be with him on a vacation, spent more time with him when he asked for it, and all the things I have done after we broke up because he knows it would be good for me, reading classics, giving space. If Ray doesn’t see how hard I try, how great I am, and how I am still improving myself, then, maybe he doesn’t deserve me. If he can’t accept me at my ‘worst’ so-to-state, why should he get me at my best? I accepted him at his worst. He has cried in front of me, over depression, sadness, friends, and I still love him. I did not turn my back on him. Why would i turn my back on someone who I saw and try so very hard to still see a future with?

I text Ray about using my aunts account to look at his facebook. I came clean.

This might be a sad 4th of july. People are shooting off fireworks a day early, and each explosion fells like it did when my heart hurt so badly. It got me thinking, will Ray and Alex be celebrating under the fireworks together? Does Ray’s heart hurt with each explosion? This isn’t fair. Right before a holiday, right before my birthday, right before my friend’s suicide… he left me. He was my support, someone I leaned on. These should be our holidays together, my birthday with him! Instead, the only time I have ever felt more alone was when Ray left me.

The Writer