Tears from a sad breakup and a friends suicide

I have cried all day today. Last night, after I wrote my entry about the letter to Ray, I read my notes. A friend of Jays left me a note. Jhenry, an ODer I became friends with in real life, killed himself. I cried myself to sleep that night. I woke up and texted Ray if he wanted to have lunch. There was no reply, so I just decided to drive to his place. I was going to put the letter and his gift inside his door and just leave, but he text me right as i pulled into the parking lot saying he just woke up. I told him I was going to be at his door in a minute, if he didn’t want to answer he didn’t have to. He did answer, asked me to go inside but I rejected. He asked me what was wrong, surely he was thinking I was sad about our breakup (which I am) and I just told him I was giving him his space because I didn’t feel he wanted to be around me. He tried to assure me he wanted to be my friend but was saying away to help me get over him. I wanted to tell him my friend had committed suicide, but, i couldn’t do it. I didn’t want him to hug and console me because I felt it would be fake. I was there for 30 seconds and gone. As I left, I couldn’t help but think this is the last time I am ever going to see Ray. I cried the entire 30 min ride home. Sometimes thinking about Ray and sometimes thinking about Jay. Of all the times Jay and I went dancing, I never knew his last name. On the ride home, Ray text me "I LOVE the book!! Thank you!!! And I do want us to be friends. No final goodbyes, just a little break, some time to adjust." Does he not understand? I want him around, terribly, and I am trying to give him space. My intent was he would contact me when he could actually start being a friend, not a guy who ignores me and makes up excuses not to see me. My feelings are real, I have a lot of love for him, and if he is thinking a break will make me not, he is mistaken. In my eyes, we should be able to grow/change from where we are at, but, he is hindering it and I am not sure why.

I get home and go on facebook, because I didn’t feel like doing anything. A ‘minute ago’ Ray commented on my status update about my friend saying "I know you’ve long suspected something like this might’ve happened and I’m so sorry to hear it. Know you’re not alone." But, alas, I felt alone. The only person I wanted to talk to doesn’t even want to see me. A few minutes late I received a text from Ray, "I’m also very sorry to hear about your friend. You suspected something like this might’ve happened. Take care of yourself." All I kept thinking was, "Can we take a break tomorrow? I want to come over right now and just be held; I’m so sad." But, I am keeping my word. He shall get the space he needs without me always trying to be in his life. When he asks me to hang out, I will accept, but, until then, I am mute.

One thing that bothers me a lot, with Ray, is a friend named Alex he has been hanging out with a lot, and, from some sort of conversation Ray calls, i believe, Alex ‘Baby Dog’. It is hurtful for me, because Baby Dog sounds like a love-interest’s nickname. Im jealous of Alex, hanging out with Ray so often, every day it feels, 2-3x per day. I feel replaced. Forgotten. I don’t dislike Alex, I have never me him, but I wish I was in his shoes. The night Ray received tenure, and I had to find out over a facebook status update, rather than him calling me, he was out with Baby Dog. What a blow. Tenure happens once in a lifetime and the guy I like didn’t even bother telling me himself. That was a low blow.

I didn’t tell him I would be attending UNM in the fall, either. I called, he didn’t answer, and I left a message I have news and would like for him to call me back, but he never did. 

My birthday is July 6th, and it hurts to know Ray wont be around for that either. On a day you surround yourself with people you love and care about, he will be misplaced.

I’m more than just a mess right now, Im a fucking shipwreck; breaking in half and falling to the bottom of the ocean.

Someday, someone will see how much I care,

The Writer

P.S. I am grateful though, for Ray wanting time to adjust, whereas, Jay decided to remove time.