resolution. twelve.

First of all, I want to thank everyone for their notes.

A couple people asked why I didn’t just get a roommate. Well a couple reasons: a) I can’t really afford to live on my own even with a roommate right now (student loans are killing me and I would have to pay for my phone and a lot of other things my parents currently pay for), and b) I don’t want to live with someone I don’t know and can’t depend on to pay rent or anything else.

So, another thing that just about everyone said was that I needed to talk to Matt about this. I knew that. I just didn’t know how to do it. Matt and I have always been able to talk about anything, and it’s one thing I love about our relationship–how open and honest we are with each other. So, last night, after I thought about it some, I decided to email him a copy of what I wrote here. I asked him to read it and then call me. He did and we talked things out.

I think the frustration was that it was hard for me to figure out how I felt about it really. I feel torn in wanting to slow down in our relationship and wanting to get out of here. But the doubts that I was having about the speed things are going at didn’t mean I didn’t want to live with him. I was just afraid that it would be all about "us" and nothing about "me." He said he would never think that just because we live together we don’t do things on our own anymore. He also said that he wanted us to have a chance to date traditionally and have date nights and things too. I think I was mostly feeling like once we lived together, we’d become like an old married couple who never did anything without the other or even fun things together. That’s not what either of us want.

So basically, I still want to live with him (not just because I want to get out of here, either), but things don’t have to have a permanent feel to them, and I still get to be myself. There will be a lot of things that will be "ours," but that doesn’t mean I can’t have stuff that’s just mine too. We’re going to just keep talking about it and being open with each other. We’ll assess how we both feel when it happens too, of course.

Another thing he said (after telling me that he too was nowhere near ready for marriage right now) that melted my heart was, "I want to be abundantly clear here, I will wait for you." Both of us are unsure if we’ll ever find someone we care about like this. It’s just something we have to talk about and work out together and see what happens.

I feel much more resolved today.