n&n inspired

fuck j for being self centered, for only caring that i can edit his paper and not that i haven’t seen him in almost a month. i need to see him.
fuck megan for not caring, for not calling me back and breaking our plans tonight with no reason.
fuck cody beckman for not even looking at me today. stupid.
and fuck iddi for cancelling class when i was actually going to go today. it’s just going to make that much harder to go to on wednesday.
fuck shopko for never giving me hours so all i do is sit at home and wait for someone to need me.
fuck winter because it never ends and it makes me this crazy and irrational.
mostly though, fuck me for being so sensitive. for never getting better. for not being able to let go. for crying. for wanting to hurt myself. for not letting myself hurt myself and just get the pain over with. for suffering. for thinking i need to suffer. for not wanting to get out of bed for anything anymore. for missing people who don’t miss me. for loving people who don’t love me. fuck fuck fuck me.

and i’m not fucking emo. i’m just me.

as for calling you when i grow up, i won’t, because i have grown up. i grew up before i knew what growing up was. i’ve been through hell. i don’t tell anyone about it. i’m fucking fantastic, thanks for asking. i deal. or i attempt to. that doesn’t mean i know who i am or why i act like this. it just means i’m still alive.

and you can’t bet that it’s fucking miserable.