As Legend Has It

This entry is dedicated to ".:ThiRd//ShaDoW:."’s new addition to her family last month and for the drug-induced shout-out after delivery.

Legends have been passed through generations, telling the tale of an alien race that had infected the planet Earth many centuries ago. According to legend, the invasion of an alien life-form was kept secret from the public and knowledge of its existence was spread verbally from one person to another. As we all know, stories can be altered as one person tells it to another and the other attempts to recall specific events to another, and so on and so forth. However, whether or not the tale has been exaggerated over time, one thing remains the same.

          This particular story was told as a bedtime story to little boys who misbehaved at the dinner table complaining about the food they had to eat. Other times these were simply stories to tell children in order for their parents to correct negative behavior; but no story since has ever reached such a stealthy number one slot in the ultimate bedtime stories.

          As legend has it, an alien race had descended upon the planet Earth in search of new breeding grounds and an alternative locale for their expanding population (much like our modern day attempts at colonizing on Mars). At first, the aliens made their existence unknown to the humans by blending in as best as possible, but in order for this legend to continue on their existence on Earth was foiled and they attempted to evacuate. However, these aliens were far more aggressive than first assumed. While they were scared at being eliminated by the humans, they eventually discovered that the humans had limited resources and were no match for the alien’s superior technology.

          The aliens decided to attack the humans when they least expected it. Across the planet, they spread their eggs. In order to create a mass army of their alien race, they made sure that the size of these eggs was small enough to be spread everywhere. Assuming that with superior technology, they would also beat the humans through intelligence. Humans, although beaten by the aliens’ superior technology, were more intelligent than the aliens and were able to devise a plan to thwart the aliens’ massive invasion.

          Since the eggs were small enough, small tests were conducted to evaluate the nutritional contents of these eggs in order for humans to consume them. Stomach acids were believed to neutralize the alien embryos and through digestion, the rest of the egg was destroyed. The aliens caught wind of this clever way of eliminating their specie that they created an alternative egg, similar to the first, but much smaller. However… as before, the intelligent minds of the humans were able to thwart this second attempt at global domination.

          The aliens finally decided that they had had enough and left; but not before casting a mind-altering shockwave across the planet, infecting every soon-to-be human embryo, infant child, child, and adolescent. The aliens intended on this shockwave to prevent every young child from eating their eggs. In due time, the aliens hoped that their race would one day thrive on the planet Earth at the expense of the young children who were made to think otherwise.

          As of this day, no alien invasion has been documented or made known to the public. It is safe to assume that the parents of these children were able to convince their children to eat the eggs that the aliens had left behind… by telling them a story of possible extinction. As tasteless as these eggs may seem, they are still eaten today. They were classified in the bean family and given the name Lima. Legend has long since forgotten the origin of this given name, as well as any other history on its classification.

          When the legend comes to a conclusion, it is safe to say that eating lima beans helps control the alien population on Earth and thus extends the human population for futures to come. One question, however, has always emerged… How is it that humans are now responsible for the continued growth of this harvested “eggs”?

A conspiracy theorists dream.