Guessing game

What doesn’t make sense is, why all the ripping to and fro?  Despair, despair, hope, despair.  Caught and flung about.  And I’ve tried the giving up.  Lots.  I’ve gotten good at that.  Disinterest doesn’t work.  Neither does involvement.  More you get involved the more it hurts when the mending bits rip apart again. 

Could try going all Buddhist, but it’s never been me.  What’s the game here?  Ignore it all, it’s just some lame amusement?  Yeah, that’s a reason to get out of bed in the morning.  Lucien once said if you can’t deal, you go homicidal, suicidal or insane.  We all know which way he went.  Scaring all the new friends away, they wondered why we’d ever known him, this seedy wreck who’s clearly barking mad.  Used to pass for sane, back when. 

That’s nice, but what if you want to deal, you just don’t know how?  What if you’re sick of the alternatives?  What if you cry "help!" a hundred times?  Oh, and picking yourself up heroically, tomorrow, always seems the obvious solution tonight.  All depends on the dreams really.  Survive a massacre hiding under the bodies, get up ahd have breakfast.  No problem, really, doesn’t everybody manage it? 

I’m tired, the puzzle’s no fun anymore.  Just give me the answer.  Make it stop hurting.  And let’s go do something else.