Excuse me while I puke

God, what an awful party.  Everybody loved it.  A hens party for my cousin Ali, who is getting married next weekend.  Now I’ve never been to a hens party before, and kinda assumed they were fun things to go to.  As long as everyone doesn’t get too drunk, in which case it could become embarrassing.  I thought they were supposed to be raucous and lewd and at least a wee bit tacky. 

But not for my cousin Ali.  No, the invitation was to a "high tea", to which we were supposed to "dress in your finest".  And most of the invitees were middle-aged aunts and elderly grandmothers.  Lots of standing around in uncomfortable shoes making vague conversation. 

It got worse.  Next came one of those dreadful "circles" where everyone is supposed to say something outdoing the previous speaker in sentimentality and cloying artificiality.  Her mother started it by going on tearily about how many "layers" of meaning there were in a hen-shaped piñata.  Sobbed poems of dubious relevance followed, with various aunts exclaiming over what a monumental life transition it was for Ali to marry her partner of ten years.  Hugely significant, of course.  Couldn’t imagine a bigger change.  Might as well have moved in with a rainforest tribe in the Amazon.  One that hasn’t discovered weaving yet, perhaps. 

Oh I’m sorry, did my cynicism slip out while I was barfing into a potplant?  One of her friends continued the mood by taking polaroids of each guest with the bride-to-be, and insisting that we write "anything you like" on them as a message to Ali.  I settled on "All the best".  Though I think the expectation was for a spontaneous sonnet on the back in silver ink.  This exercise was, friend said, to capture the "lovely energy" wafting toward Ali, so it could be stored in a pretty box for future consumption. 

The thing that perplexes me is, nobody else seemed to find it the least bit uncomfortable.  I had to leave half way through.  It was just nauseating and embarrassing.  I don’t understand.  Does everyone else in fact genuinely feel all gooey and sentimental over some relative or friend getting married?  Or do they just have no shame whatsoever about being utterly artificial?