Singlitude

The chores are slowly getting done. Today I finally put in the order for my new desk. I’d been working out the details of the design for months. Nothing pre-made would fit the space and also have room for a printer on top.

I’ve been thinking about something. Am I one of those "determined never to love again" people? I’ve been single now for over three years and some people think that’s a little strange. I have plenty of reasons to be single. I have endo, I’m sick all the time, I have no money. And I’m not sure I’m really into men as much as I thought I was. Relationships take a lot of time and effort, and get you focussed on someone else. Which isn’t optimal if you’re trying to seriously work on yourself. But I’m just wondering… are these good and genuine reasons for staying single, or is there some other unconscious motivation? Could I be emotionally shut down, unwilling to let anyone in?

I don’t really think there’s anything going on here, but it’s just this little doubt that’s come into my head.

I was copying down affirmations into a notebook, and the latest one was, "Opening to love sets me free." I just couldn’t see it. I tend to see love as a possessive force, a sense of entitlement to another person. Too many childhood memories, I guess, of punishment and coersion being justified by "love". Often followed by cloying acts of unwanted affection excused in the same way. How poisoned things become!

I was feeling quite lonely some months ago, and put my name down on an internet dating site. (Okay, so I was pretty miserable at the time, you see?) I took my page down when I realised I really didn’t want to get involved with anyone. I certainly don’t want to fall in love! Is that a bad thing?

I know the concept of "love" referred to in affirmations is usually the universal, unconditional, strictly abstract kind. But I thought, can one really be open to universal love without being open to interpersonal love? What think ye, o philosopers of OD? (Or should that be ODd philosophers?)

SecretsOut

August 26, 2007

I’ve been single for over a year and a half, every time a relationship becomes a remote possibiltiy I make up some reason why it’s not a good idea. I think the last relationship was just so damaging that I can’t bring myself to open up and be vulnerable again. I figure when the time is right it will happen, until then I’ll keep making reservations for 1 😉 I do think we’ll be stronger for it!

Deve

Reminds me of the old slogan, “I love Mankind. It’s people I can’t stand.”

ryn: With this administration and its army of dissemblers, I think the next phrase is, “Ignorance is strength.” What you don’t know won’t contradict them.

oobi

I’ve been single since i was 13. the longest relationship i ever had with a man was when I was 12 – 13 and that lasted about 15 months. since then i’ve been unable to let anyone get close. so i do empathise. i don’t know the answers to your questions. i only know symptoms and excuses and theories. Personally i feel you have a lot of work to do on yourself, to get yourself healthy mentally,emotionally and physically, to heal, before you can be in a relationship with a guy. i truly think you need to be very healthy and strong to be in a relationship as they are so hard and so much work and take so much effort. they shine a spotlight on every single thing that’s wrong in your life, in your head and in your heart. however, i do believe you can be open to universal love, without being open to interpersonal love definitely. absolutely. you have love in your heart i can feel it. it comes through.

me as of this moment

its funny how we think so much alike. i don’t think there’s any inherent problem with being open to love in a universal sense without wanting to personally have any romantic relationship at the moment. our culture is so ridiculously hung up on constant attention to dating and finding a mate that its absurd. all that energy, keeps people so busy and drained for other things.