The perplexing urge to help

Ah, I see the Open Diary premature aging phenomenon has struck again.  Don’t believe them!  I’m still twenty-something, promise. 

I’m sitting here at 1:30am because I’m in the middle of another allergic reaction.  Too jittery to sleep. 

There’s something that keeps nagging at me, mentally.  I’m involved with an online channelling community.  I haven’t learnt to channel myself, but I avidly read all the channelled writings that come through.  I have this nagging desire to work with one particular channel there.  I’m not sure in exactly what capacity, but it would be something to further the bringing through, organisation, or publication of the channelled information. 

I’m just not entirely sure how to interpret this urge.  Is it merely something akin to a crush on a minor celebrity?  A desperation to feel useful?  On the other hand, it could be a real impulse to do something that would benefit everyone involved.  The nagging could be from my guides.

I know I’ve been raised to suppress and repress my desires.  To dismiss all desires as fanciful.  There was no point to knowing what I wanted – no point to wanting anything – because I never had the power to do anything about it.  It was more dignified to be in complete denial of all desire. 

But now that I am allowing myself some awareness of the things I want, I find the next problem is determining why I want it.  And then of determining whether it’s out of reach or not.  This is basic stuff.  Skills I should have had by the end of my teens, surely.  But I guess I haven’t really tested my own power very much.  That’s why I don’t know what I’m capable of achieving.  Or what I can do without being considered rude.  I’ve been one timid kitten.