I forgot to fall asleep

I’m bored and irritable.  Gosh, that’s boring and irritating just in itself!  I had dreams last night of letting my mother make huge decisions for me, and just going along with it.  I woke up just in time to avoid marrying a guy I never liked in school, which had seemed like a good way to score a crumbling piece of wedding cake.  I think you’re right, guys.  Time I got some distance from my family and started living my own life.  Whatever that is. 

It’s like leaving home for the second time.  The first time I left to be with Alexander.  And we moved to Adelaide, and that didn’t go so well.  Ended up unemployed and then sick.  At least I was away from family.  But I was emotionally dependent on him.  You know, since he left, I’ve been the most independent I’ve ever been.  But the family-as-crutch thing has got to go.  Maybe I could do more with my life.  I don’t know.  I’m always scared I’ll get sick again – and frequently do – and that throws a spanner in the works.  I’m rambling. 

The thing I really want to do is get well.  But perhaps that’s not enough to fill my days with.  I dunno.  What else do I want?  I seem to keep ignoring my friends, like socialising is a waste of time.  I feel driven, but without a target. 

I’ve been emailing and IM chatting with Alexander, about Lakoff’s moral-political theories, and how they tie in with the Michael teachings on soul ages.  The interests we have in common.  We always did well as intellectual discussion partners.  I’d love to know how his life is, what it’s like having a baby, things like that.  But he never seems to want to talk about it. 

How odd friendships are.  I have one friend with whom I can talk about soul age theory but not day-to-day life.  Another that I can chat about illness and general inanities, but nothing intellectual or controversial.  And another who – I dunno – sometimes seems more my student than my equal in conversation.  All called friendships but completely different.  What’s missing in my life?  Maybe it’s not a relationship that’s missing.  Or maybe it is.  What’s missing?