Dratted loneliness

Gosh I feel lonely.  Desperately lonely and I don’t know why.  Much of my life has been a struggle against loneliness.  A search for a way to beat loneliness without resorting to actual close human companionship. 

Alexander actually rang twice this week.  That’s got to be about the only times he’s rung since he went back to Israel.  And now I’m doing silly things like staying offline so as not to tie up my phone line in case he rings.  I’m aghast at myself.  I can’t believe I’m behaving like this.  It’s not infatuation, it’s just desperate loneliness. 

I went to a family dinner today at my grandmother’s.  My cousins were there; a rarity.  Of all the family, I feel I have the most in common with them, especially my aunt an uncle.  I came away feeling unsatisfied.  Lonely in an awful clingy way.  I’m being clingy. 

What is wrong with me?  I try to remember Don Miguel Ruiz’s words about how everyone has all the love they could want internally.  It’s only when you turn away from your inner source and make others your objects of love that the trouble starts.  It’s not helping much. 

I really don’t understand why this emotion is so overpowering.  I went through school without close friends.  Most people go through life, surely, without spending much of their time with friends.  And it’s not mere friendship that I feel the lack of.  It’s intimacy.  Real, intense emotional intimacy with people I have a great deal in common with.