Manic almost-normality

I am in pain again.  It shits me.  After I’ve done all I can.  And exhausted from it too.

I’ve been going to the gym every day.  I usually go no more than once a fortnight, tops.  I’m trying hard.  I’m not exactly sure what cosmic brownie points I expect.  Mostly I just hope to be allowed to continue.  Not be struck down so sick again that I can’t even do this.  Reminds me of the depressed dogs in the classic Psych experiment.  Everything they do is punished.  Eventually they do nothing, just lie there in despair. 

I’ve been cooking, cleaning, shopping, everything this week.  Like a mad thing.  Go to bed and I can’t sleep.  Too revved up.  Sometimes I wonder if it is a little mad.  Some kind of manic episode?  Who would know?  If it’s true, I, manic, do maybe a third of the work of a healthy person, sane. 

My mind feels dry.  No creative juice.  Feel like I’m in boot camp.  I’m desperate.  Don’t know how to chill.  Even watching TV becomes an appointment to keep.  Information to absorb.  There is no soul in this.  I feel close to collapse, but I can’t seem to relax. 

I can’t even read profitably.  I can’t take anything in, in this state.  It feels like a fighting-for-survival state.