Neurotic over-analysis

So, Alexander’s gone to Israel and I’m all lonely.  Am I lonely for the lack of a close friend, or am I in some way "not over him"?  Am I over-analysing?  Do I have someone to talk this over with?  No.

I’m still friends with Dave, though I still feel like I’m leading him on in some way.  And I’m not close enough to go crying on his shoulder about whatever I’m busy being pathetic about. 

I’m still sick.  Still in Sydney.  Still have no idea what I’m doing with my life.  Which everybody else seems to think is a very bad thing.  I still haven’t used Anna’s money to get the channelling she intended it for.  And it’s been a couple of months now, and she keeps asking about it, so I’ve been avoiding her.  One less friend I can talk to. 

Am I too scared to get the channelling?  That’s a simple answer.  Maybe I’m just not ready to go getting more information when I’m still trying to make sense of what I’ve got.  I’m afraid I’ll be overwhelmed and confused.  But how can I talk to Anna about that?  What would I do, offer to return the money?  I want to get that channelling, just well, not right now. 

You know, strange as it might seem, my family are actually the ones giving me the least grief at the moment.  They’re not pressuring me to go back to work, or move to Byron, or get answers to the big questions of my life.  And they even gave me dinner when they found out I was too sick to cook. 

So, why am I missing Alexander?  My friendships are not normal.  Alexander was ringing me almost every day.  We’d spend an hour or three on the phone.  Dave and I spend a lot of time chatting and emailing too.  Like I’d know what a "normal" friendship is – heh. 

God, I’m being swallowed up by my lack of a life.  Brain in sensory deprivation, eating itself up.  Catabolism.