Now and Before

I guess I knew then, when I was entertaining the thought of stepping out on my then husband, that my marriage was over.

I never did step out on my husband. Even after we decided to get a divorce, after he told me I should start dating again (but our paperwork hadn’t been finalized). I never stepped out on him, like I knew he never stepped out on me.

I entertained the idea, I mentioned it here, got chastised for it of course. I never did it. I couldn’t. Not even when he was threatening to kill me in his manic depressive rages, I couldn’t. There was no solace in that.

In the end we got divorced because he didn’t want to take his meds anymore, he didn’t want to find another therapist, didn’t want to gain control of his own life and pull out of his depression, and I couldn’t let him take me down with him. He agreed too.

We’ve stayed friends, kinda… I’m actually closer to my former mother in law and father in law. I spend time with them, mom especially, she talks to me, leans on me when things get hard between her and her son.

It’s hard for me to watch her drown trying to keep him afloat. So I stay for her, give her a shoulder to cry on, because I was there.

I always thought I was bisexual. I was attracted to women, and even though I had no experience with women, I knew I was into women.

Recently, I had an experience with a couple. Well I didn’t let the man get intimate with me. He and I just enjoyed his wife.

I don’t think I’m a lesbian. From that experience though, I know I enjoy women more and the man would have to be a very special man for me to enjoy him.

I live on my own now. I’m liking it. I enjoy being on my own, in my own company.  It’s simple.

I’ve been getting headaches though. Makes me think of death. I’d never commit suicide, but I don’t want a long life either. I get these headaches. I have a headache right now. I woke up the other day with a killer headache, my hands and legs were numb from it. I thought I was going to die.

My mother died from an aneurysm. It’s a quick, almost painless death. It’s a blessing, like dying in your sleep. One moment you’re there, the next you’re gone.

All I thought was, “I need to get my room in order before I die. I don’t want them to find it a mess.” So I’ve been working on my room now for two reasons:

1. If I die, I want my room to be not embarrassing at least.

2. I want to be a kitten foster. Take care of kittens in transition.

So lately I’ve been thinking of women, dying and kittens…

It’s an interesting life…

– Lanis