9/16/05

Received Friday, September 16, 11:18am CDT

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OK, it seems that lately I’ve had a lot of rushing around to do, and we’ve both been pretty busy. It’s a shame that I’ve had to resort to emails since we can’t talk at work, I don’t have lunch anymore, we don’t get off at the same time and I’m busy with volleyball, etc. We don’t talk as much as we used to, and that bothers me. It also bothers me that you’ve appeared to be bothered by something as well, and you won’t say what it is. If you don’t want to know about what’s going on in my life, or you’d rather not be the shoulder for me to cry on, let me know. I realize you’ve done a lot for me in the last few months, and I appreciate every bit of it, but there’s no way I can truly repay you for that. (although I’ll try) The fact is that I hate relying on people, anyone, but especially friends, because it usually kills friendships. I’d prefer to be the one giving and not receiving too. The truth is though, that I have no one else that I can count on. I hate it that I call you for everything. I hate it that you have to rearrange your schedule to accommodate mine, and although I appreciate it, I can’t fathom it continuing much longer. I wouldn’t expect that you’d want it to either and that’s understandable. I don’t mind spending time with you, I actually miss it, but I don’t want it to be because you’re doing something for me, taking me here and there or whatever. I would prefer it be by choice, in my free time, and by me driving over to your house. (not, “by the way, Bret, can you run me to the store” or “can you take my kids here”) I hate that. Last night was a real wakeup call. (not that I didn’t see it coming). I need to get my car and fast. Every single day I’m stressed just trying to find rides here and there, and we both know I’ve got enough stressors without adding to something like driving to and from somewhere. It’s making me sick, it’s making me tired, and it’s making me feel really sh***y. It’s a real shame that I can’t count on my family. My mom has repeatedly told me that she will NOT drive up here anymore, for anything. Matter of fact, I just got off the phone with her and she told me that I’m nothing but a burden to her, and that maybe I just need to quit my job and draw welfare because I can’t seem to coordinate things right. Obviously, the surface of my problems right now revolves around money. (The root of them goes much deeper) The only conclusion I can come up with is to get back my car. We both know I don’t have the money to do that, at least not this very second. I’ve even considered taking out a pay day loan to be able to get my car right away. However, I really don’t feel like digging myself in a deeper hole by paying interest. I’ve thought about things I can sell, (but I have nothing) other ways I can make money, etc. Pretty much anything anyone can suggest, I’ve thought of it. I also know that with the coaching addendum(or overtime), my finances will be fine, but first I have to get out of the “hole”. Shortly, child support will begin and Section 8 will kick in sometime in the next year. If I could just get over the hump, I could stabilize. If my next check could just be like 400-500 more, I could get that accomplished. If you can help me, or together we can come up with a better solution, let me know. What about claiming exempt on a couple checks? ( I know that will only be like 80-100 dollars, but still……) I asked Eric to help me, but he, in a round about way told me there’s no way. He’s closing on his house and the 55,000 he was using as a down payment has dwindled to 30,000, and he has to use every cent of it this week to put down. (He has really bad credit and without it, won’t get the house) Anyway, thanks for understanding. I know that I probably didn’t have to explain any of this to you. You sort of see what I deal with on a daily basis and anyone can see why I’d be stressed.

Anyway, on to another topic: I find myself second-guessing myself lately with this whole coaching thing. I feel so helpless. I just know there has to be a better solution. I enjoy coaching and it’s supposed to be a delight, not stressful. I just keep telling myself that it’s a job and I’m getting paid for it. But, I’ve been getting “used” to losing. I never thought I’d be “used” to losing.

Director of Secondary Education just came to me wanting an explanation. LOL. What can I say? My team is a joke and I’m frustrated.

What are your plans for the weekend?