Ashes
I just signed a contract on a home today. Its my first.
I also feel like I should be on a suicide watch list.
*sigh*
For 36 years I’ve been on my own. Largely unfettered. Now I have an $80k debt (or soon will) to make good on. I’ll be grounded. Anchored. Closed in. Temporal clausterphobia looms all around me. Everything I look at, everything I see in my minds eye looks like texture mapping on polygons, windowdressing to hide the one-dimensional black that my life seems to have become.
I am trapped.
And I’m doing this all alone.
Yes, I have family. But the decisions are all mine. I have no one whom I can turn to and ask, “Is this right?” “Am I missing anything?”…
…”Can WE do this?”
No. Its all on me. A new house, and nobody home. Its just as empty whether I am there or not. I can feel it, feel it forward. It makes my chest tight and my heart twist. I know my blood pressure is higher than normal, my stress levels over the top.
It all feels wrong somehow. I don’t know why; it just does. Its a matter of faith, and I feel I am betraying myself, betraying God. Its wrong, these choices are wrong, but I can’t see, I don’t see, any other way.
Death is inevitable. So is a home I guess. Just one foot in the grave. Will people bring flowers to my house-warming? Will they stand in my living room and exchange pleasantries, shake my hand and deliver a eulogy to my accomplishment and how I’ve finally joined the walking dead.
“Congratulations”.
Lower me gently to this black depth. I don’t want to disturb the dirt for fear of ruining the carpet.
For anyone who is overly concerned, I’m not suicidal, and my Protected core programming always takes me to find help if/when I am. No worries there. Just bring flowers…
*big sigh* Hang in there.
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I know those feelings well.Its OK.Even big decisions don’t necessarily place our feet in cement.They just put some comfortable slippers where we can find them.I trust it will all be good.I don’t believe for a minute you would be doing it otherwise, but on a higher level I also feel like it will be good for you.Instead of flowers,*hmm*can we throw petals around the loungeroom and make daisy chains?
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*HUGS* If it’s any consolation, it starts to get fun when you get to make it your own space–your own colours, your own furniture. Even with just you, it can still be a home.
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*hands you a dozen peach roses* Try to think of it as an investment…. a write-off for Uncle Sam. I’ve owned 3 homes on my own. (Let’s not talk about selling them ’cause of the troubles, K??? lol). Only YOU can make it your own. And I have faith that you will….. Plus share it one day with someone who will fill it with even MORE joy. *HUGS YA*
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Hey, buying your first home is a good thing. You’re doing well for yourself! Think about it this way… let’s say you have your home for a period of time (it’s much like paying rent actually because you really only own a couple of doornobs the first few months or so) and you decide the responsibility is way too much. You can always sell the house. More than likely you’ll sell it for more than
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you bought it for because houses have a way of doing that. It’s good. I think I know where you’re coming from having the blues and all. In your mind you imagined that you’d take this step with someone by your side. I understand. It’s why it feels wrong. I think you’re doing the right thing though at this stage in your life. Maybe it’ll lead you to a new phase of life you never imagined.
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A house is a big step. Be proud you’re in a position you CAN take that step. I have someone with me, but I still feel alone. The physical presence of someone isnt enough- not when you hate yourself and you’re the one to blame (not that you are, but I sure am).
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RYN: I changed the color hope it helps
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*RYN* The end is death,pretty simple eh? Be well,Monica
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~RYN~ HEY!! Who snuck you out an Aussie calendar??? We have rules about that you know ;o) Actually it wasn’t in my state but I was impressed you knew it was on in the country somewhere LOL Actually I am impressed by anyone with a rough idea we exist.
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~ry a couple back n~ hermies can’t be cured ??? Now you tell me. I think ppl are coming to my diary lately to read your notes not my entries LMAO. I love it. You have been on such a roll. ***HUGEST HUGS*** Least its good to know that even with *ahem* crabs, I still got an invite over :o)
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