Things clear up

I am now certain of where things stand.

Last Friday, when we finally “had that talk”, we broke up (if its possible to ‘break up’ when one wasn’t necessarily ‘going-together’ in the first place).

She needed “to take a break”. Essentially, take a break from trying to figure everything out. But the phone call ended with her bawling hotly for a good minute or two before we actually said goodbye.

I don’t know if she’ll ever call again.

I never do. With anyone.

This journal is full of stories of women who have drawn close, and then walk into the sunset without me. I know its not my breath or my toothpaste or shampoo.. but thats about all I understand of it.

Except maybe, that it is friendship minstry afterall, and sometimes there’s only so much a minister is supposed to do.

I am certainly for God’s will, and am glad that I’ve had some kind, even just a little, of effect for good in a person’s life. I’m glad to do Christ’s work, and glad to help others. That’s my basic mission in life. At the same time, it is lonely work. Sucks to be me.

It is between these two extremes — owning both of them — that I find my balance in parradoxx.

I was pretty harsh. It had become clear to me, as if in a vision, that all of Kelly’s hauntings were coming from Shame. She claims the salvation of Jesus and His forgiveness of her sins, then she drags her past sins around with her whereever she goes.

She tells me she actually had an orgasm while kissing me, so our kissing amounted to oral sex. She blames me for this because I didn’t guard her boundaries. The boundaries she identified during brief pauses between kissing sessions. The boundaries she set as she breathlessly said, “I don’t want to kiss like this,” before she attacked me again.

You can see how guilty she feels, and this just adds to the shame she drags around with her. Not wanting to offend God any further, she’d just rather hang up the whole idea of dating anyone.

She doesn’t see that the offense (the only one in my opinion, but certainly the greater one in any case) is that she rejects true forgiveness.

Jesus forgives our sin — no, wait.. He already FORGAVE our sins, and when we confess He seperates us as Day is to Night from them. They are Forgotten. This is the essential freedom that is the Good News of Christ. Not that we are Free TO sin, but that we are free FROM sin.

Despite her claims…she doesn’t get that.

Instead she wears her sins around her bosom like a scarlet letter, denying her own desires (essentially deceiving herself) and scripture twisting until her pioty is justified.

She tells me, “I am not experiencing the Fruit of the Spirit in this; I have no peace, no… I actually had a yelling argument with my mother about this. So obviously this is wrong.”

She wrongly believes she is having an argument with her mother because she kissed me, but in fact she is having an argument with her mother because her own mother is telling her to let go of the guilt and kiss me!

I was pretty hard on her. The whole call I kept repeating the mantra: Let go of the shame.

She needs to find herself, or she’s going to self-destruct. That, or she will wall herself off, then suffer true shame, true horrible guilt, when Jesus asks her, “Why didn’t you accept my Gift? Why didn’t you let yourself experience my Freedom?”

Then, it will be too late.

This is what I pray for her.

In the meantime, I am learning not to miss her.

Once again, I am learning to wait.