Admission (2)

(cont’d)

When I went to visit her, after a stunning and creative evening on the town (Chicago) we ended up at her place, and we ended up lying down. Her on her flippy-couch (in bed mode), and me on the floor right beside it, beside her.

She encouraged me to not lay on the floor, inviting me up beside her. I refused politely; instead I stroked her hair – something which I knew from her journal she was crazy about! …but thats it. I laid there and watched her and stared into her, and even excited her… but did nothing.

At the time, I told her I didn’t want to scare her off. I mean, here’s some strange guy from another place in her home on her bed – I could cut her throat or rape her or worse, or both. And, truely I was acting on her behalf.

But looking back, I was acting.

I was the one who was scared of something.

What did I think I was there for? Granted, NOT sex. I mean, I didn’t fly up to Chicago to get laid. But, what was I lying beside her in her apartment for? That wasn’t by accident! That was her doing! That was her choice! She didn’t need looking out for. I mean, I already knew I wasn’t going to kill her or rape her.

I pretty sure of that.

No. Instead I played it too cool. So cool I was a freakin’ moron.

Dar, if you are reading this, if you ever read this: I’m sorry. I was playing down to you, when I should have been looking up. I was wrong, and spoiled what could have been a better weekend for both of us, or more.

Now that I’ve admitted that, two things stand out:

1: How in the freak did it take me almost 2 years to figure this out! I am a friggin moron!!

2: Where do I go from here? I mean, the obvious is “You need to play a little faster and looser” but how is that done, exactly. The worst thing to do is just run to the opposite extreme. I need to find a new middle ground. Make a study of not studying. Take more opportunity when it is presented.

The challenge is that this is still well tied to a moral base.

NO, there it is. Thats it. It reared its ugly head again. I am using moral piousness as an excuse for my fear. Fear of….?

That is the subject of study. I don’t think anyone who knows me would say I am lacking for moral development. I should be in a place where I trust that, not hide behind it.

I must root out and remove this fear lurking within.

Well it ought to be easy, ought to be simple enough –
Yeah, man meets woman and they fall in love.
But this house is haunted, and the ride gets rough:
You’ve got to learn to live wit’ what you can’t rise above,
if you want to ride on down, down into this tunnel of love!

I remember warm nights with cool breezes, gazebos and soft garden lights. Cobblestone paths lost among the willows down by the bubbling brook. The spirit of the hunt as you give chase and we are laughing now we are hushed as our eyes lock on each other and we delicately tensely excitedly move toward each other, predator and prey touch lips and savor the victory of the chase.

I could be looking forward and no looking back.