Admission

I dorked up with WH.

This is my admission of guilt.

I don’t know why this is coming to me now. I mean, aside from the fact that I am listening to Springsteen’s “Tunnel of Love”, which is a beautiful and smart song – wise but carefree…

I let the music take me where it always does – into warm summer nights with cool breezes, carefree fun of playing at the carnival, then playing in the shadows, staying up late, passion about life just for the hell of it….the difference is, I let it take me there.

Instead of pursuing it or rushing to get there with it. A person in my life has died this day, and it seemed disrespectful that I should chase after fun and lightheartedness in the wake of death. Still, the music took me there, and the thought just kinda formed on its own.

Earlier tonight, after step-aerobics, I spent nearly an hour talking with Karen again. She told another student that she woke up this morning with a nose-bleed, so I asked her if the day or weekend had been stressful. Then I invited her to share it if she wanted.

She did, and we talked about her marital troubles. An issue of intimacy had come up this morning, and Karen and I discussed the pragmatics of gender attitudes towards sex and whatnot. I translated that through partnerships, and managed to talk about myself for once.

I told her how this past weekend — or sometime last week, I forget when — I sat down and added everything up, and realized I’m like one step from being a classic suicide risk: no close friends (lots of good friends, but none close), I live alone, no mate, no pets, poor ..poor everything. Only my office would call looking for me if I didn’t show up, and that’s only because they pay me for something.

And I got to tell her the reason why I felt that way — because I am without that intimate companion that I so desire, so need in my life.

Without here discussing the correctness or lack thereof of such a lifeview, she pointed out that I should be happy with everything else – not take it for granted.

But I don’t! I honestly don’t, and if I choose to enter a “pity me” mood, it is strictly for the human expression of it (I am human, I am entitled to pity me every now and again) but beyond that, I really am blessed.

But, I also, really am lonely.

We discussed this at good length, to the point of my asking her for insight and advice. Which she of course tried to discount her ability to make contribution – her facing the end of a second marriage. But I assured her that I did and do value her opinion.

So we talked.

And nothing concrete came of it. Except that she thanked me. Which looking back from this very moment, was very significant. I am glad she thanked me; it was nice.

Anyway, it served as a venting and a gateway, not a resolution – our conversation did. And I left there to come here. See previous entry.

After striking morose for a time, I started playing a “from mellow to upbeat” course through my MP3s. Then, I engaged the owner in a discussion about the privatization of Fire Departments. It was a great discussion.

And maybe it was that kind of out of the box thinking that stimulated my mind after I came back to this workstation, and checked out my iMood, which I hadn’t updated in almost a year.

While there, I saw I had one buddy link… to Weathering Hardships. WH. I clicked through to her iMood, now long since abandoned.

Her interests included: cinema, swimming, web-cruising, kissing, courting.

Kissing.

Courting.

I really dorked up with WH.

(cont’d)