Back in Blue

I’ve been reading around this evening, even on my own journal. It feels like its been along time since I just prambled. So here goes….

I didn’t intend to spend the whole day in front of the computer. My morning, yes – I went to work this AM with the intention of working until 2pm, when the alarms go on, and then enjoying the warm weather out of doors.

The Columbia did much to change that for me. Instead I spent a large portion of the afternoon watching the NASA briefing. Those dudes, particularly the shuttle mission dude – forgive me for not knowing their names – did an excellent job of dealing with press insensitivity and simply doing what must be done on the very day of the accident.

I did my best to try to flirt with one of the women in my office whom I think I know to be single, but whom I also so very seldom see (due to the remoteness of her office). I don’t think I embarrased myself, but I wonder if it was worth the energy I spent. Even so, it wasn’t much.

I went to my auxilliary office. Its just a block from my main office, and I needed to show some digital video footage to the owner. He happened to be in, so I parked my truck, and sat down in front of the computer – where I was to remain for the balance of my natural born life.

Okay, at least the day. *g*

We are reworking a video project I edited last year. Our camera man shot new footage to replace an interview: the new footage is almost as bad as the old, but in new and exciting ways! This time, he forgot to switch the sensitivity of his mic, so the interview is full of cricket sounds!

Anyway, I showed this to the owner, and then we proceeded to watch the rest of the 48 minutes, pointing out areas to edit.

Then I started doing some file management, then I played at hacking some web sites (its a learning thing) then I cleaned up my Hotmail, checked LavaLife.com, and checked here.

Here, I spent probably 4 or 5 hours – its been a long long time since I’ve done that.

….thats my seguay.

The last time I did it was shortly after Trynity dumped me 3 years ago (has it been that long?) I was drifting, and started this journal in part as an exploration of that.

I had “no life”. None whatsoever; quite different from this unengaged but busy “no life” which I have at the moment.

Its funny then that the reason I spent so long online tonight was in hopes that I’d run into Nightingale. The best, brightest spot of hope and life to walk into my life – as an answer to prayer no less – has, walked away from me without a note.

“I’ll call you…” were her effective last words.

*laughs* THATS funny, because the last person who told me that reminds me very much of her in many ways. Let me intellectualize that pain by observing the similarity and committing to study this similarity over the coming years.

Oh, I drone on like I’m bitter. But I’m not. I’m not even hopeless. I have no idea the way that God toys with my life, let alone the lives of others. I am convinced, if only by an act of faith, that God does have the best in store for me and my sudden return to “dote-less-ness” is for my ultimate good.

Afterall, my desperation this summer is what brought Nightingale INTO my life. Why should I expect anything less now. (Irony is intentional).

I have an answer for that “why”…. its because I am giving into some kind of blue funk. This makes me unattractive (“…for who could love a Beast?”) and dimishes my opportunities to both be available and be open to any new love in my life. That fact, the awareness of that fact, coupled with the funk itself, drives me even further down this road.

Again, the irony is found in one of my oft-quoted mottos: “Don’t let the fact you’re depressed get you down”.

Maybe… maybe this is all just a misunderstanding? Maybe she just doesn’t realize that cellphones, you’ve got to let them ring 4 or 5 rings before the caller ID shows up! Maybe thats it! Maybe she rings once, thinking I know its her and I don’t pick up, so she hangs up. When in reality, I never even feel the phone buzz!

Ah, what a sad state of depairs. *chuckle*

I miss her very much. I love her very much. Sarah is loathe to want to even think about it, but Nightingale has won a hold in my heart. By itself, I don’t think thats a bad thing, though Sarah would. In any event, it is moot as it seems…well, it seems.

I want to be needed – and I do feel needed, at least in the other areas of my life. I am professionally in demand. I just wish there was money involved!

I want to be needed… but I NEED to be wanted. I wish I knew why I am never wanted for long.