Disassociative thoughts

Since NetRadio went off the web-air, I’ve been hunting around for another continious streaming-music service with some variety. I usually listened to NetRadio Ambient channel, and for the time being I am listening to 3WK Underground Alternative music. Its continious, uses RealAudio format, and the alternative format provides a huge diversity in music – one song to the next.

At work, I feel like I should be busier than I am. That is, I don’t know where all my free-time is coming from. I spend large parts of my day reading RedHat manuals, for example, or…looking for netRadio stations. I actually have the ability to schedule incoming projects in my head, allocate time for them, and get them done on time or before. That just doesn’t happen very often, and usually not this time of year. But its been like this for a month!

I bit my mom yesterday. Not with my real teeth… I am her youngest, and sometimes she still thinks I am her baby. There are some subjects I try to avoid discussing with her, but yesterday I couldn’t seem to avoid mentioning money. She immediately starts lecturing me about credit cards and how they run up so quickly and telling me how to spend my money. Ironically, later in the ensuing argument, I said I wasn’t going to buy something, and she actually started insisting that I do!! *nip, chomp*

She later, after my painstakingly taking her through the process, identified that she was uptight because she felt like she was in the middle between my step-dad and myself about money. I quickly pointed out that I wasnt putting her there, and that if he was, she just needed to stop being in the middle. Stop being messenger girl. The suggestion was lost in a flurry of denials. Ultimately, we had this argument for two reasons, she can’t manage certain aspects of communication with my dad, and she can’t control her actions concerning me (“Its a mother’s job to worry”)

(Its not, and don’t even say it is, or say “when you have kids you’ll understand”. I understand worry and concern for people and don’t need to have a child to understand compassion and caring for another individual. What I do know is that Worry – not concern – is a destructive force, and it also negates God’s authority, which is why the Bible steers us away from worry. And when Worry is claimed as a parental right, it is also a source of pride and arrogance. If parents are acting out of love, then there is no reason or right to act in a harmful or disruptive way. That simply isn’t love, thankyouverymuch.)

So I bit. Understand, its not me defending myself, its me defending certain truths. I do it whenever I can, but often the opportunity is fleeting, or the logistics are not right. Anyway, I conducted the argument and eventually led my mom to understand why THIS TIME when we were talking there was suddenly a problem, and what she can do to fix the source of the problem – IF she wants to avoid problems in the future. To her credit, she ususally does a good job of these things. Each year she makes more and more progress of letting go of me as a child, and becoming more of a friend. And I am glad for her efforts.

All your base are belong to us.

I am really blessed, and I want to take a moment when things are going well for me and I have little stress (and when my mind is going the way of depression, but still *g*) and say “thank you, Lord”. I am sitting here realizing that the more I have let go of “control” in my life, the more control God gives me back. No, thats not it… the more security I have in knowing God is in control. He does a much better job of keeping my life on course and providing for my immediate needs and future growth than I ever did. For example:

A couple of years ago (it was before the Y2K crisis), I took an interest in FEMA and Emergency Management. Crisis management from a strategic viewpoint is something I am excellent at. Coupled with a skill in applied diplomacy and tactical management, and I think its a possible next career. So I started pushing for it, and found you really need a Fire Command background to move ahead (at least locally). So I looked into getting my EMT certification, but the money never showed up, or the class schedule didn’t line up. Also, back when I first got this interest, I was dating a woman in Dallas.

I like Dallas. I like the radial street plan, and I like their progressive, if not sometimes confusing city government. I like Deep Elum as a place. I like the Arboretum. I like Fair Park. I like the local restaurants and clubs. I like Dallas. Well, it occurred to me then that Dallas fire command might be the place to be. Growing city, a diversity of fire calls, opportunities for rapid advancement if I wanted to compete for it. But, then I broke up with my girlfriend, and the feasability of moving kinda disappeared like the EMT class opportunities.

But, now, I am sitting here in my office, and I can see a practical workable solution for getting into Fire/EMT, and I can even see a solution for moving to Dallas if I want it. Note that its all optional for me, and that it came from without. I can see being in Dallas in a year or two, if thats what I choose, and if God continues to hold that doorway open.

I think thats neat. Not to mention the fact that I am just doing pretty alright right here. No worries, mate! Thanks, Lord!

On the Wednesday night before Thanksgiving, I went over to a friends. Joel was home from college for the week, and his dad is a Mac guru, and a computer geek over all. So his house was a natural choice for a StarCraft network party. Myself, Jared, and Joel and his dad, all played Starcraft. One local network game, and one BattleNet game. Jared had to leave early, and there was some technical difficulty at first in getting the Macs and PCs to be happy together.

I ended up staying on til 6am. Joel was crashing, and I needed to go to my folks for lunch. We spent the morning playing Tribes 2. It was Joel’s first exposure to it. He tried to hook me on Max Payne, but in the end, we were trading off on Tribes.

Oh, and, from his collection of digital AV, I must say: watching Christopher Walken dance in the Fat Boy Slim video is probably my highlight of the month!! VERY FUNNY you must download it!