Isn’t it SAD?

I still live.

Last night, I left work and had a new key made so I could get into my apartment – my current key was starting to shear from the torque needed to turn the lock. Once I had the new key, I came upstairs… and went to bed. A phone call startled me at 7pm, and I injured my toe rushing to answer it, only to find I had missed it. Then I went back to sleep until 2am, when the toilet called. …I DIDNT MISS that call. *grins*

I am sleeping in at least one night a week, sometimes 2. That will probably turn to 3 by Christmas day. The weeknights are Bible Study and Choir. I have had to give up drama and prayer night for the time being. Thursday and Friday nights are mine. Weekends are as unpredictable as always.

Monday night, before Bible Study, I was almost quailing (that wailing and quaking) at the thought of being “out”. I wanted desperately to stay inside my home, inside my shell, and hide. But I went anyway. I remember having a meek, almost to tears look on my face – I don’t know if anyone else saw it – for at least half an hour. But slowly, as we got into the discussion, and I was needed to use my rational mind, was needed to think, I became more myself.

Then I relaxed into the group and the groove, and started grappling for that secure feeling.

Becky is one of the younger members of our group, and one of the new ones for this year moving up from our teen group. She is also very cute in my eyes. She has a tough playfulness about her as well as being pleasant to the eye. She is also smart, gets my odd humor, and entirely too young for me. But, after the Bible study, the hangers-on started watching the football game. Football is not Becky’s thing and she started soliciting for a card game. I was her only taker.

We taught each other a new game. Hers was a game similar to War, I think its called “Slapdash”. Anyway, it led to my rolling around on the floor laughing in frustration at losing my cards to a faster and experienced player. I reminded her that the sounds I was making were seldom heard by others! *chuckle* It was a good bonding experience – we learned alot about each other, I think. And it was entirely pleasant to be the direct focus of a woman for the better part of an hour.

I had a good night after all.

But I felt bad kinda, because I was not giving attention to Jill.

I got the chance to do that Tuesday night after choir. She was decorating the youth area for Christmas, and Courtni (in our small group, and also in choir) went in to help her. I decided to follow her in and see what they were doing. I couldn’t help much – the chore was simply not well suited for another pair of hands. But, Jill asked me frequently for my advice. While I don’t see how, it was very helpful to her to have my feedback, and I doubt she realizes what an honor she was doing me by asking for my opinion. *smiling* It was another good bonding experience.

My SAD is unusual to me this year. It seems very “split”. I can toggle it seems from quailing to social very quickly. Usually, my condition is global, and just continues to deteriorate – the rate of decay being the variable factor year to year. Maybe this is my body’s way of trying a new way of overcoming it, or maybe its just something I ate. Or maybe questions and chaos in other areas of my life are “keeping me up”.