4/6/2001 (part II)

The mingling is really the thing, though. I am an introvert (its true, cut it out! *thhp!, smile*). I used to be the wall flower. Since then, I’ve learned to get up, move around, and engage people. But, I still only engage one person at a time. I don’t (usually) work the group. Instead, I go sit next to someone for awhile, grill them, exchange stories, then get up and move to sit by someone else.

My favorite way of doing this is “musical chairs” – I jump to a chair in a group that someone has just vacated to go get pop or something. I like this technique because it forces that person now, too, to find someone new to sit by. Keeps things moving.

So, the larger the group, the “less connected” I feel, because I try to get around to everyone – no favorites in the general group. Ah, but there is an exception – I like to have a “best friend” or an exception class person with whom I center, or at least orbit. Why? In part, because I like to serve someone. Also, its nice to have that one person I can come back to and say “that guy was a jerk” or “have you tried the honey-chicken? Its my favorite” or “Ready to go, yet?”. Also in part, because it keeps me from completely disassociating. It gives me a root to cling to when I am cavorting through the group.

Alas I had none such.

Why? Well, thats the other part of the rub… Because there are three women there I just really dig. Two are good friends with each other, the third – while not an enemy – just isn’t as close to the other two. Oh, and they all just capture my heart. Kinda. Anyway, I can’t play favorites among them either. Because, I don’t have a strong relationship with any one of them yet. So if I try a more permanent bond with one, I am afraid of the others becoming jealous.

And its not like I’m trying to “play the field” – its not my desire to “put the moves” on all of them. I don’t know any of them that well yet. It IS about not wanting to burn my chances of getting to know them that well.

Okay, I do know one of them slightly better than the others, but I believe she has age issues with me. As I’ve said, I am the oldest person in this group. Except Halloran, now. *grin* we are the same age.

And, its also not like my heart is riding on any of this. Really. It could be, but not yet. They may all, in fact, simply be too young for me. *shrug* I’m one who tries not to make age an issue, but others may, and – there may actually be good reason for it. I mean, maybe age difference explains the difficulty in connecting.

Anyway, the night ended with 4 of us at vehicles – two of the three ladies, myself, and a younger MALE friend. Who rides a motorcycle. And is going to be teaching cooking at the art institute next semester. *rolls eyes in feigned disgust, then laughing* I am glad for him that they were hovering around him. But, it did reinforce my own isolation.

I wasn’t upset at any of them, or anything, really, when I got in my car to go home….

I just wished that “someone” hovered by my car.