The same way

It is getting very late. Or, very early. [sigh] This is what I normally do. I am a night-owl. But I don’t have the personal resources to be doing this so early in the SAD recovery period. I am going home and I am really going to crash.

But the being tired helps me free-associate better…

I’ve never found the need for illegal drugs. That is to say, I am as whacked out right now as all get out, and its just sleep deprivation!

Okay, maybe I should delete that. I think I am too tired to type it correctly.

I’ve been surfing OD more, and something is bothering me. Why do people claim bitchyness as if its some kind of virtue? “I can be a REAL bitch when I want to!!” – like, okay?!?

Thats like, “I can hit my thumb with a hammer when i want to” or “I can drive my car into a brick wall, and I’m proud” OOooo, and look at that, you do it all by yourself, too!!

Why would I brag that I can be a real jackass? By choice, no less?

Its power, thats all. People brag about their power. Its an implied threat. It makes them feel just a little more…what? P O W E R F U L than the other person. People tell me they can be a real bitch sometimes, and whats my instinctive reaction?

“Oh, so can I!” So can I!!! As if equality in this area is something to aspire to!! I can’t let them one-up me on stupidity! In fact, I can be a bigger jackass than they can. Just watch me!…..

[shaking my head] What other power do people brag about? Nobody says “Oh, I am a R E A L nice person!” [chuckling] It even sounds silly to me, and its my point!

No, the reason why is that there is no power in kindness. No wait, wrong grammer…

It’s that people equate “power” with the ability to harm others. “To do what must get done”. What must get done? Inevitably, its “hurt people”. Nobody has a problem with “not hurting people” – – thats easy. People supposedly do it all the time!

No, “what must get done” are those decisions, those actions, that bring about harm to others.

And maybe, just maybe – – that IS a skill that some people need. Or that it IS truely useful some of the time.

But to brag about it?

Why do people continually embrace the ability to inflict harm on ourselves or others as virtuous? Why don’t people accept for themselves that THAT kind of power corrupts. It only begets more harm. FOR EVERYONE!!

I want to find a new thing to brag about.

I want to brag about not hurting anyone intentionally.

I want to say “I consistently choose to put others first”.

I want to say “I can be a real bitch if I am not being careful, and I really hate it when it happens”

I want to say “Please help me to not hurt others.” I want to be able to admit weakness, and ask for assistance in achieveing the greater good.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I want to meet someone who feels the same way.