I should be studying

I have been cramming for my much feared A+ Certification Part II exam.

I really hope I pass this time because this stupid certification has consumed the past seven or eight months of my life. I have had to stop working on the classes I do like, push all of my friends away, ignore the clutter I so desperately need to spring clean out of my house. I haven’t answered my work phone in days for fear someone will give me more work to do and therefore I wont be able to study an extra 8 hours a day.

I have been longing to come home, sit down, and play some video games like I used to do before becoming a responsible adult. I drifted off gaming right when Minecraft became a thing… my daughter would beg me to sit down and play it with her and I had to sadly say, “No, I’m sorry I can’t because I have to cook supper and do the dishes right after I put the this endless load of laundry into the washer and fold the clothes in the dryer.” Someone has to go to work and pay the bills. Being a working single mother is one of the most tiring jobs. I have to admit now that my daughter is 16 years old, I am starting to enjoy that independence and freedom I so desperately craved during her clingy years. When I start to feel overwhelmed, I think of my good friend Ash. She works, has 4 kids she takes care of alone, her house is always spotless, and she is always cooking meals. She’s my inspiration, my motivation, my strength.

My brother’s first wife could do it. Work, go to school, get straight A’s, keep her house clean, take care of my niece. I don’t know why I make this so hard for myself. I blame the ADD, the constant distractions, my short attention span, my lack of confidence. I need to meditate and visualizing myself as having it all together instead of focusing on what else I could be doing. This is my new goal. Being grounded and centered instead of nervous and frantic. My other goal is to take off the pressure I have been putting on my daughter when it comes to school. I read an article that said being a pushy parent can cause your child some serious damage, the worse being suicide. I am her nurturing support, not her evil boss that makes her want to quit her job of life.