Nothing New

Oh, Wisconsin, you can  be a wretched and depressing state to live in.  We are all just so ready for the snow and cold weather to be done.  I hope that today is the last of it.  The depressive cloud over all of us needs to lift!

I’m climbing and falling while trying to become a better version of myself.  I’m struggling again w/ the drinking because it has been part of me for oh so long…it’s one of the only vices I use.  I wish I wouldn’t have drank last night, but in some ways it teaches me when I do things like that.  And MAN oh MAN was it mellow too, compared to how I usually drink.  But I still had a hangover and didn’t want to get up for work.  I thought that was a good incentive to remember….as I get further and further away from regular drinking, I’m going to have a worse tolerance and get hangovers again.  This does not upset me.  This is interesting to me and I want to keep it as part of my plan.  Remembering this when I’m craving a “good” time.

A good time to me right now sounds like a day to myself at home, or maybe my boyfriend can be there if he’s not drinking…cooking and listening to music and painting my toes and just …living sober and happy.  Being in the moment.  I can’t believe that a good time has been for so many years….CHAOS in my life.  Starts out fun but I end up waking up with regrets, short on money, often times lost items that I rarely get back, and depression.  Why should a “good time” cause depression?  Not so good a time, eh?

So I drank last night.  And I’m sure I’ll slip a few times and that’s part of this too.  I think I get way too panicked thinking of never drinking again (probably should be the ultimate goal but right now I don’t want to admit that).  I need to live.  I need to get out of this trap I’ve got myself in.  I need to figure out who I am and what I am going to accomplish in this life before I die.  I need to create a good time life.  I need to CREATE anything.

I am so much better a person than I give myself credit for.  I am going to try…to be kinder to myself.

You is good.

You is kind.

You is important.

And you have a good kind important heart that loves to help heal others who hurt.

Shine on.

You’re doing just fine girl.