This Is Why

Mom.

Seriously.

SERIOUSLY?!?!?!?!?

So…I’m basically broke. I’m in grad school and brooooooke. So…I asked mom to help me through the last few months. She was fine at first.

Until today.

I asked her to pay for my medications.

Medi-fucking-cation, ok? Not pay for my clothes, pay for the drugs that keep me functional. Literally. Without them…I’m on the couch unable to move. Literally. Remember that 4 months of hell? The time I lost 10% of my body weight without trying? YEAH. The drugs prevent that. Apparently asking for money for said drugs, is unreasonable.

She was ok with it at first, but then when I told her the total ($122) she flipped. She said I acted like it wasn’t my fault my meds cost so much.

Um. When the fuck did I become the one in charge of how the fuck much medications cost?

I kinda thought it WASN’T my fault that my intestines decided to rebel against me…I kinda thought it wasn’t my fault that I have to have meds to keep my fucking food in me. I KINDA thought the meds were necessary and the prices were set by some drug company.

Apparently I was wrong.

She said I act like it’s not my fault. Which implies that I SHOULD think it’s my fault for the drugs costing so much.

Seriously?

Fuck you.

You’re the fucking REASON I’m on the anti-anxiety/depression meds. You’re the fucking reason I was anorexic. You’re the fucking reason I cut. (Ok, she’s not the entire reason, but goddamn she’s the reason right now that I want to.)

Seriously. SERIOUSLY this is bullshit.

I got $5700 in January from my loan. I’ve stretched that 4 months. $500 in rent. $100 in drugs. A month. Then food. And bills. And gas…to drive 500 miles A WEEK to student teach. That $5700 was my only real income. We are not allowed to work, because we’re in school from 7-4 every day. But I still pet sit on the side. I do everything I can. I stretched $5700 for 4 months when an automatic $2000 went to rent. So $3700 for everything else. For 4 months.

And she’s pissed.

And she told me I need to come up with some other way to pay for things.

What the fuck?

Seriously??? What the bloody hell am I supposed to do? Sell a kidney?!?!?!?!? Goddamn.

And she has a conniption if I mention getting a loan.

But she bitches when I’m broke.

See? THIS is fucking why I’m stressed. Because there is not one goddamn thing I can EVER do that’s good enough. I ran a fucking half marathon….I lost a shitton of weight…I didn’t drink or end up in jail in college. I’ve never done illegal drugs in any form EVER. I didn’t get knocked up. What the fuck.

I got a bachelors in biology and am getting a masters.

And I got a fucking job that starts in August. I’ll be making over 30K…but right now? Right now? RIGHT NOW I NEED SOME GODDAMNED HELP!!!!!!!!

And this? This bullshit right here? THIS is why I fucking trust no one. This is why I make Tracy’s life hell. This is why it KILLS me to ever open up…ever need someone. Because when I REALLY…REALLY REALLY REALLY need someone…the person I SHOULD be able to always go to…I get slapped in the face.

Don’t get me wrong. This isn’t a pity party. I could have done better with my money. I shouldn’t have gotten a second cat. I shouldn’t have gone out to dinner so much. I shouldn’t have paid the entry fees for the races and I shouldn’t have bought yarn and…there’s a lot of "fun" $20 buck purchases I shouldn’t have done.

So maybe it is my fault.

Maybe I deserve this.

I don’t really know. All I know is even if I do deserve this…I thought your mom was supposed to be there. I thought…she’s the person you could always trust, always would be there. Would catch you when you fall.

If she can’t ever be there? If she drops me and blames me for everything…why the fuck should I think anyone else would ever be different? If my own mom won’t be there, why would any guy ever be there? Why should I trust a guy if I can’t trust my own family to be there.

See? THIS is where my issues come from.

I was never thin enough.

Never smart enough.

And in every single other way I have never, ever been good enough. Not once.

Always a disappointment.

So why the fuck would anyone want to date me? How can I EVER trust someone? How can I ever, EVER open up to someone and ask for help when I need it if I can’t even go to my mom.

I’m not trying to get sympathy. I don’t want any. All I want is for someone to understand what goes on in my head. Understand why I am the way I am. I don’t want anyone to feel bad. I just want some understanding when I’m closed off, when I don’t trust you. When I’m scared to death to lean on you.

This…is why I never want to have children. I’m so scared I’ll do this to them. But at the same time…I swear to fucking Jesus H. Christ I will NEVER do this to my kids. I’ll go broke trying to make them ok. Especially if they are trying…especially if they are in college and doing the best they fucking can. Especially if they are asking for money for their medi-fucking-cation.

Fuck my life.

Just gotta make it to August….Just gotta make it through…I have a job…there’s a paycheck in my hand August 31. I just have to figure out how to make it through…without living at home…for obvious reasons.

So. Who wants to let me come stay with them for June and July? I cook. I clean. I don’t smoke.

Jesus.

I apologize for this pathetic entry. Really. But I had to get it out.