Lunatic Linus – The Cash Cow

Yep! That’s me! Those three things have put a huge negativity dent into my trip to Hanoi. It all began when I was on the airplane traveling from Da Nang to Hanoi this morning. Actually, let me back up 2.5 hours to just after I’d gotten into the hotel taxi which would take me to the airport…

One thing I have figured out about the means of public transportation in the country is that many locals rely on free rides on tourist buses. This has happened several time – you pay for a tour along with all the other tourists and load onto the bus. As the bus travels around, it stops and picks up locals who are ‘thumbing’ rides from the tourist buses. These people cram into the fronts of the buses until the bus stops when they make the request; no money ever changes hands between the bus driver or the local people…no problem – if I worked at Walmart, I’d expect an employee discount; if I were a copper, I’d expect to get out of a speeding ticket; if I were Vietnamese, by god – I’d expect a free freeking ride at the expense of tourists’ site seeing!

My driver was running a bit late today. Shortly after he picked me up and began driving the hour long trip to Da Nang, he made a stop in front of another hotel. I asked him several times what we were doing, and he suddenly didn’t speak English. haha! I must admit that I play the same game with the beggars here; I begin speaking Italian and they walk away. So after a couple of minutes, this lady gets into the car. I asked the driver, who was now suddenly fluent in the English language, who she is. He replied, "She is my friend." Friend hell, I thought…I can read body language…they do the ditry Mambo when no one is watching! I was irritated, but he drove like a bat out of hell to ensure that two things happened: I made my flight on time, and the two of them had time for a ‘nooner’ on the way back to the town we’d just left.

The Linus sitiation.

Whenever someone asks you if you’d like a piece of gym, assume that your breath smells like shit and take the stick. Make sure you put the offeror on the spot and ask, "Why…does my breath stink?" You will always hear, "NO" followed by polite and completely transparent laughter, but as least you were able to put them on the spot…which still doesn’t forgive the fact that you forgot to brush or don’t floss regularly. For the offerers of gum, please use my advice: Always take the high ground; simply tell the person what the problem is. I believe honesty is the best decision. It really sucks when you’re in the situation where invasion of your space by the bodily odors of another necessitates that you tell them to perform a ‘double check’ prior to entering into public venues. I have twice been presented with such situations.

The first time was when I was in the Army. One of my soldiers naturally stank (I use the word ‘stank’ because that is the most offensive form of stench…much worse than stunk, smelled, and so on…the dude hit rock bottom on the stanky scale). Other people were complaining about it; it was a serious problem. Besides being naturally stinky, he also didn’t shower consistently. I approached him, and said, "Laurence, I don’t now how to tell you this buddy so I’m just going to say it…you have body odor buddy. You have a body odor issue, and it’s time to take care of it. If you’re interested, I have made arrangements with a doctor at the clinic to see you after hours so you can see if there is a chemical imbalance going on or something. No one else will be there…just the doc and his assistant." L went to the doc who put him on something…dont’ know what…perhaps it was condensed florana pills or something, but after that, L smelled like roses! When he left for another base, he thanked me. Honesty is the best policy.

The second time was when I was a Sales Manager for an alarm company which used the ‘canvassing’ sales technique: Sales people would go door to door and market the product, which means you are up close and personal. Mario had the most rancid breath I have ever encountered in my life. I didn’t know who it was for a long time. The crew would go out in a Club Wagon…big 18 passenger van. I could always smell the breath of someone, but didn’t know it was Mario until he was in a sales slump and I called him into my office for a bit of one-on-one. As he leaned forward while trying to tell me why he was in a slump, I leaned as far back as possible in an attempt to distance my nose from that hole is his head which is lined with pearly whites. I told him that i knew what his problem was; he asked, "What?" I said, "Hold on! Five me ten minutes!" I jumped into my truck and drove to the Quickmart where I purchased some floss, brush, and paste. When I returned to my office, I put the items on the desk in front of him. I told him, "Dude…your breath smells like ass. Use these and if you don’t sell three systems by the end of the week, I will give you three of my sales." He sold seven systems in four days. For Christmas, he gave me a 6 foot tall cardboard cutout of the Crest characture. haha!

Today was my day to stink.

I have really been on the go. When I am in one place for two or three days and have either time in the morning or evening, I will drop off my clothing to be laundered at a local joint. Since I have been on the go, I have been washing my clothing by hand in the tub of the hotels and letting them dry as much as possible while I sleep at night. I have been purchasing cheap shirts as I go, but I only have two pair of shorts and a pair of swimmers. It is extremely difficult for me to find clothing which fits while in Asia. My shirts are XXXL, even though I’m 6’2" and weight about 190…a bit lanky…not American XXXL material; I’m normally a M in the states. Two of the T-shirts I purchased are representative of this nation’s flag; one is dark blue, the other red; both have a large yellow star in the center of the chest. Shorts are a different story…quite impossible to find any that fit. My second set are way too bit, and I actually lost them from my hips when I used both hands to grip my camera while site seeing; I don’t wear underware. LOL!! By the way the locals looked at me, I felt as thought I was a modern Pagoda…a Pagoda much larger than the Asian version. LOL!!! After that event, I took to wearing my primary set of shorts.

When I was at the beach two days ago, I met a family who owned the restaurant. I was in need of swimmers so the uncle of the girls I was hanging out with offered to retrieve me a pair. When he returned, he said he would ‘rent’ them to me. HUUUH??!! No thanks, I said…I’ll purchase them outright. Can you imagine?! EWWW! The swimmers are dark blue on the top and along the bottom, and yellow in the middle…basically three large strips. They fit quite well and treated me nicely w

hile in the ocean. I was pleased with the purchase at the time.

My hygiene habits are as follows: I tend to go overboard. I normally floss a couple of times per day. I brush numerous times all day long. When I was a copper, I carried a brush in my patrol bag, one in my truck, one in my work locker, and of course…the most excellent brush at home. I often have to use a sensative paste due to over-brushing/receeding gums. I shower continuosly…especially in place like this where it’s so damn hot. I am one of VERY FEW men who actually wash the hands while in a public restroom (check your husbands…hehe…most of them don’t wash…). I am SO anal about it that I use this technique when washing the hands in public: Use hands to turn on faucets. Prepare paper towels so I don’t have to actually touch the paper towel handle AFTER I wash. Wash hands thouroughly; leave water running (I know…I know…it’s a waste of water…but SO MANY people are busy conserving H2O that I am allowed to use my ‘technique’). Firmly grasp towel and tear off with both hands; pat hands dry while using a ‘downward movement’…much like that when is used when decontaminating one’s self in a Nuclear, Chemical, or Biological Zone. While using the towel to serve as a protective buffer between fingers and faucet, turn of the water; retain the towel. Use the towel to grasp the door handle, fling it open, and discard the towel on the floor or nearest corner. LOL! Sorry…but we risk contamination if we actually release the door while attempting to properly discard the towel…besides, the cleaners are allowed to validate the overtime they are working AND they have those ‘things’ they can use to pick up the debris without touching anything (wonder whose cooking THEIR food at home).

ok…so I’m avoiding the topic. Here is the deal: I got on the plane and smelled someone. It wasn’t a dirty person…it was dirty clothing. I thought it was the dude next to me until I arrived in Hanoi and got into the cab…then the stark realization struck me like Mario’s breath on that hot summer’s day in sunny Tucson: It was me! I stank! I was Linus! I became one of the people who others offered free gum and sprays of Febreeze to. I was the reason clothes and bodies were burnt in the streets of France so many years ago. I had become the ‘bad luck’ item shoved over the side of a ship by the skipper. I began looking around for Black Crows…those vile vermin whose beaks beckon them to the foul odors of death. Bottom line: I needed to wash my clothing.

I had alread decided that I would only have today in Hanoi. When traveling, I try to stay pretty flexible. I pick the brains of other people I encounter so I can find out what’s cool and what’s not. I fly out on the 3rd of March. I’m a bit bummed that I agreed to meet my penpal in Thailand as I would have enjoyed another 10 days here. After receiving many details, I have decided to visit Halong Bay, the Grottoes, and Cat Ba Island. I hope the lot of you look up the photos of Halong Bay on the net. While I haven’t seen the pics on the net and will eventually be posting my own, I DID seen the pics of a couple from the U.S. and Israel…absolutely stunning! (Both the pics and the American wife of the Israeli man! hehe) There are some pretty excellent caves to enter into around the area…I’m very excited about it. i will leave here in the morning very early (which sucks), then spend all day on the boat whilst sailing around the numerous islands in the bay. I will spend the night on the boat, then will continue sailing around the next day, returning to Hanoi in two nights time; returning to Thailand early the morning of the 3rd. I really think I could have planned this one better. If any readers are planning on coming here, stay for a minimum of three weeks…you will need it. Loads of history which has only been opened to the western world since…umm…I think about 1994. Back to the story of Linus…

When I arrived at my hotel, I immediately went and purchased laundry soap, returned to my room, and spent the next hour ‘de-funking’ two sets of shorts, one set of swimmers, and five T’s. After ringing them out, I realized there was no sunshine so I utilized a hairblower to attempt to dry them…no luck. I called the front desk. This is how the phone conversation went:

Desk: Hello? Randall?

Randall (me – haha): Yes…it’s me…do you have laundry services?

Lan…what?

Laundry services.

Yes. you need clean clothes?

<god! how did I!> Yes…I already wash…just need dry…

what?

Dry…

spry?

no…dry…i clean…i need dry…

spry?

no…dry…

Randall: Nevermind…I’ll fix myself. <15 seconds pass…there is a knock on my second floor door>

Desk clerk: You need clothes clean?

<I walk him into bathroom, act like I’m cleaning clothes, point to all of the wet ass clothes dripping while hanging from every possible surface in the room…> I grab his hand, touch it to a wet shirt, say, "Wet…" I then touch his hand to his own shirt and say, "Dry…I want dry…" <My god! I felt as thought I was living at Greystoke!>

He left and returned with some girl. Keep in mind that while purchasing soap, I also purchased some boxer shorts…otherwise I’d have been buck ass naken when he returned with the girl. She had an open mind and immediately knew what the hell I wanted and fixed the problem. When she spoke to the man, he began laughing…suddenly remembering the English his government forced him to learn in school in the case that one of George W’s ancestors were also involved in the Vietnam war and he decided to attack here as soon as he’s finished with Iran and N. Korea.

They took all of my clothing with the exception of my blue and yellow swimmers, and the blue shirt with the large yellow flag on the front.

I have no idea how many 30,000 characters is…stand by for part two…The Legend of the Lunatic…