Ponder

So. home was stressful. i felt stressed most of the time. probably not helped by the fact that i couldnt sleep again in my old room. It was so empty. and … well. im not sure. just reminded me of old times i guess.

i was glad to get away and go to Di and Lee’s 80’s party, the photos are qwesome, even though i seem to have been repeatedly molested by some guy in a lot of them. But there is one of me sitting next to the teacher guy… i havent got my photos developed yet. Hope to soon, but i have to finish the film, got about 13 left and want to save them to get photos of people here as i have none of them yet.

Like the old thing where the aborigines thought that photos took a part of your soul, or whatever. well, i guess its true. a part of you captured to be held in someone elses fingertips and stared over, absorbed, analysed.

I like that.

when i got home last night (i just called here home, and not home home.) aka. when i got back here last night i was absolutely determined to get absolutely drunk. i ended up feeling hugely tired and pretty much falling asleep (at least in mind if not body) right there.

I got to thinking of things back home, the situation, and then i got miserable. well. not miserable. more contemplative.

ok. miserable.

but it wasnt all bad. i had some dreams, good analytical dreams, which will keep me busy for a bit.

its not incidental that our mind knows what we want before we consciously decide it.

i have seent hat many times over illustrated. and even read a fascinating book on it, Blink, By Malcolm Gladwell.

Seeing as i picked that book up in a charity shop, untouched and gleaming white, some unwanted present, it turned out to be a major read for me.

but anyway my point is that i struggle to make decisions. i know i do.

but i guess in the part of my mind that really knows, well there, i dont struggle so much.

?

xXx