Attempt # 123,456…

If this entry gets posted, it will be nothing short of a miricle. So many times I have come in here and started to write only to stop for fear of myself. My emotions and what I might say.

But, things are starting to settle a little bit and I need to write about how I really am feeling and not what I am telling people.

So, here is the bombshell. I did it. I left him. I left him in the USA and I moved home to Ireland with Holly. I left the States at the beginning of April…so, about a month ago.

There is so much in between  that needs to be detailed, and I know that… but I need baby steps. I have been holding myself together this past month by some very frail and tired threads… and I am afraid… litreally terrified of loosening them.

This whole situation has not been helped by the fact that within a week of arriving home my dad was admitted into the hospital for 2 fractures in his spine and then they found a very large anurism in his stomach. We have all been doing our vigils by his bed, waiting on the doctors to decide whether or not they are going to operate. He has about a 15% of surviving the op… and on the other hand, if they don’t he is just a time bomb. The anurism could blow tonight… or in two years. When it does… thats it.

We (the family) are struggling to open my mothers eyes to the reality that if he lives through the op, or if they decide to just let him go and live whatever life he has left, he has to go into a home. She is getting to old to care for him in the way that he needs. She is riddled with guilt and pain and wants nothing more than to take his pain away. I feel for her. My heart and soul hurts for her.

I don’t think about daddy. I talk about him like he is a character on a TV programme. Thats easier for me. Even writing this I can see him lying there, in pain…. tubes everywhere…. finding it hard to breath and I feel nauseous…..

I have to stop here. Sorry.