LLLLLLLLLLOOOOOONNNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGG………….

I’ve been becoming a hermit. Thinking… thinking… always thinking. Paralysed with thought. What is going to happen to our life? What is going to happen to us? What happened to wanting more, and better for each other?

I can’t go into detail right now because I don’t want to get angry, but my marriage is at the breaking point and until last night, I thought there was no hope. See, I just sit and eat and hide. Thats how I deal. I don’t know what all the psychology crapp behind it is, but food is my crutch. So, as things got worse I ate more, I closed the curtains and spent my days sitting, eating, thinking and ignoring the phone.

I realised that something had to give. My venting about gifts is so much more than that. I can’t allow myself to get angry, so I vent through small things that cannot hold the weight of my words.

I realised that I will die if I do not change. I had gotten so consumed in the idea that I could ‘fix’ him. I tried everything in the bedroom, out of the bedroom, romantically, spiritually, emotionally and I got next to nothing in return. I gave up everything for him, my choice… but a choice that has had consequences. After about 3 or so years of trying to motivate him not only in being interested in me as more than a roommate, but also in his career and in his mental health. I tried to show him that he had changed. It was like his spark was gone. He had nothing to give. He seemed to dislike himself more and more and just became as paralysed as me in his own darkness. But, there seemed to be nothing that I could do to help him.

He seemed to have no self worth. Never going to the doctor for follow ups after surgery, rarely brushing his teeth, unless I made him, only going to the dentist when his teeth were literally falling out of his head, his weight gain and his total lack of interest in all that once seemed to give him joy. things like photography, design and working towards having his own company in this field. Now.. there is nothing to say but he just stopped. Stopped thinking that he was worthy of joy in his life.

I on the other hand tried to show him, tried to help him and tried to be as understanding as I could. Of course, we had the general life crap. Bills, work, baby… but us? Us just seemed to get lost somewhere. I do not and never have claimed to be perfect, and I have a part to play in this, so I know. I know. I am to blame too.

We more or less stopped doing anything together, our relationship seemed to be bordering on friendship and soon it was with little or no sex for months at a time. My weight ballooned and I sank further and further into a hole of self pity.

Last night, I saw someone I have not seen in a long time at a birthday party. This is the first time we have been out together in ONE YEAR. Yes, in one whole year, Brian and I did NOTHING outside of general life duties together.

Anyhoo, I wasn’t spilling my heart out to her. She asked me how I was and I told her that we were having a rough spot. When I turned around to look at her (because I was looking into my beer), she was crying her heart out. I begged her to stop crying and I was confused as to her reaction. She composed herself and she said "I can feel your pain". By the way, this was HER birthday party.

This person in particular I have known for about 3 years. She is a grown woman with a lovely husband and children. She is the cookie cutter type…but also very sharp and kind. One month after we met them our house went on fire, and they begged us to let them pay for it. I mean BEGGED us. they believed in paying it forward. We refused, of course and they were genuinely hurt by that. That is how deep these people feel. Anyway, after that her husband got cancer. He is doing better, thank God, but that isn’t the only pain in her life. Her daughter also has a brain tumor.

My point here is, that this is a GOOD person we are talking about. She sent me this email this morning, hence why I think that there may be hope. I hope.

Rachel,

I can’t really know what you’re feeling or what kind of decision is best for you at this time in your life. I am sure you know that we’ve grown to care about you, Holly, and Brian over time – not just David & I, but all of us who’ve come to know you through the lifestyle. You probably have a lot more resources locally than you realize – and believe me when I say that I do know how hard it is to reach out. Many times when we are in need, the person we reach out to doesn’t know how to help and we can’t find it in ourselves to explain it to them very well either. Other times when we feel like we’re at our wits end and we grasp for someone, something to help – the person we opened ourselves up to falls short. As humans we often fail each other even though we truly want to be there for each other….

At any rate, David and I are always here – we can make room if you ever need a place to stay, and I am only an email, call, IM, or text away. I work from home, so I can be anywhere I need to be to do that job, and David is very understanding of how I manage my personal and professional obligations.

I have to say that it is my greatest hope at this moment that you and Brian can find some way to get past whatever is going on in your lives right now – I have probably been there or somewhere where I can relate to what you are experiencing. The 7th year really is difficult for some reason, but I know the love that blossomed between the two of you is still there and can hold on as long as you and Brian choose to try.

You can have everything you want in life with time, even if the blueprint has to change significantly. We will miss you as part of our life here, provided you decide to leave us – but you’ll always be in our hearts and memory.

Hugs,
Lisa~

There was another email after this.

What I wish for myself for back then is that instead of telling me how to get past and break off the best relationship of my life – that I had instead had someone who would have told me how not to – how to work through my feelings and get back to a happy place. We ended up making it – but we could have very easily ended up in a completely different place. I don’t know what’s in Brian’s head or heart – but if he’s telling you he wants to be with you, with Holly, then I don’t doubt it’s the truth. He would have no reason to play about that idea.

As for things not going as planned in life – you are talking to a master of failed plans. David didn’t finish school, even though he planned to be in IT. I got pregnant, and I am the one who had the best scholarships – so I was the one who got to stay in school while he started working full time. We planned to have our children closer together, and we

‘d almost be done with that era of our lives, except I had 3 miscarriages between the two of them. Beyond that, no one plans for their children to have brain tumors, for their spouses to lose a job, for cancer to strike so young in your own body, or so many other things that have happened to us over the years.

But you know – life happens. It’s not what we plan, and I don’t know that that isn’t the BEST part of life. How boring would growing up and growing old be if everyday was just as we expected it to be?

My guess is that your discontent is only fed by your weight gain or other things you see as personal failures, and then those things are in turn fed by feeling more unhappiness. It seems we always end up in these vicious cycles. I can’t say whether you and Brian have had or if any of us ever really can have enough communication to really understand what each of us wants, what is making us unhappy, and what we think is going to make it all okay. Sadly, sometimes we don’t even know what it really is that we need until we try and try something else until we find what works.

You do have to realize your own worth before you can begin to repair anything that is wrong in your relationship. You have to know you deserve to be happy, that you are capable of giving happiness, and that you are desirable and wanted. I can’t imagine that Brian cannot be your partner for life -or- that it’s not what he truly desires. Perhaps he has his own feelings of inadequacy that he’s trying to deal with.

In Brian’s case, maybe it’s something he does want but is scared to "try" because he doesn’t want to fail. Maybe he can’t see or doesn’t know how to seize opportunities. And maybe, just maybe, he sees you as pushing too hard and it affects him in other ways. Again, I can’t know… but you are probably closer to being able to tell. If not, that’s why we have the option to ask.

Further, I bet there are government programs in place where you can get grants and other financial aid that you won’t have to pay back and where you can continue your education. I don;t know how tight money is for you guys, but even one class at a community college you can get for about $150 and at least get out of the house a couple of days a week. If you need someone to keep Holly while you go to class for a few hours I would gladly do that, Rachel, if you need.

 

the second one is edited a little because I didn’t want to post her personal life in great detail. But, anyway. I need to think more about this. Is there a way to guide this marriage back to just that? A marriage? Is there a light?

Dear God I hope so.

 

🙂

 

FUCK – That is a long ass entry.