If you don’t know me by now…

… you will never, ever, ever know me… as the song goes.

I think my marriage is over. I think my life here is over. There is too many whys… and too many how’s and too many whens for me to get into every one.

Christmas morning, 2009. I am used to Brian’s gifts. I am used to him not getting me anything remotely close to what I want… but, every time a holiday or birthday rolls around, I secretly hope and pray that I will open the package and go "WOW! You got me just right"…. but, never, ever has that happened.

Just FYI. To date (Just naming a few)…. I have received a guitar (I cannot play, never wanted to play and I have NO idea what possessed him to buy it), a lamp… yes… a lamp, a plastic flower ring and um… lets see… body soap set (ANYBODY who knows me, knows that I HATE body soap sets with a passion!)

Well this year, I got more plastic rings… a DVD that I already have and a necklace. It is a pretty necklace. Not my taste at all. Nowhere near my taste. When I opened it he was like "Its a real diamond"….

God… I sound so ungrateful, I know. And please understand that I am not deliberately trying to be, but I have been with this man SEVEN years and in those seven years I have not got one thing that I can say he got me that reflects me.

I have never claimed to like diamonds. I don’t infact. I think that they are so overrated. I would much prefer a cubic zirconia… bigger, sparklier and fucking cheaper.

Also, my grandmother in law religiously gets me expensive jewellery every Christmas and he knows how I don’t care for expensive Jewellery. Granted… this necklace he got is not exactly ‘expensive’… I’d probably say the $70 – $90 range.

Its not the cost, its not the color… its the fact that he does not GET me… and I don’t think he ever will. I hardly ever give a bad present because I know him. I know what he likes, what he doesn’t like… and I do my damnedest to make him happy.

His mother and some other extended family members got me items this year that almost made me cry. They said that they just ‘knew they were for me". They got me these gorgeous hobo scarf’s that are so beautiful, sparkly and full of royal colors… and they also got me a Marilyn Monroe fleece throw. LOVE LOVE LOVE them!!!!! LOVE THEM.

I’m scared. Scared that he cannot seem to understand me and my likes and dislikes. Of course I have not said any of this to him. This is way past the gift aspect, this is about knowing each other. Inside. and. out. Who gets their wife of 7 years plastic rings for a 5 year old?

Also, it is Christmas day and not one fucking family member has called. Merry fucking Christmas.

🙂