I said no…

Hmm…
I really want to sit here and write everything I am feeling. But, I just dont know what to say, or how to say it. I feel like I am always angry. And I KNOW I am… I just can’t seem to think about what is up with me.

Okay. Stop reading now if you are having a bad day, because if I can’t make heads or tails of me, then you wont be able to. Sorry.
My dad. Lets start there. My dad is everything to me and more. My dad introduced me to horses, he taught me to ride a bike, he took me to the park, he woke me up in the middle of the night to give me presents and hugs, he always had my back. I was and am daddys girl. He was even the first to buy me drink when I was 12.

On the flip side, he was and is arrogant, stubborn, childish, inconsiderate and annoying. But, he has a heart of gold. When I saw him in the ICU and he was in the coma… God… this is hard. I need to write this. I need to….

I cant stop thinking about the last time I saw him alive. He was about to go to surgery and we were all standing around the bed outside the lift and we were joking about how they were going to replace parts of his brain with better parts. (Cause you know… you have to joke in hard situations) Anyway, the surgeon asked me did I want to go down to the theatre with him and I said no. I said no… 
i kissed him and they wheeled him into the lift. I shouted out "BYE DADDY" and waved. He sat up and waved back and said "Bye rocky" and with that the lift door closed and he was gone.

I remember standing there thinking that I might not see him again, either alive or just normal.

I can’t believe I came back here. He woke up a week ago as you all know and I have spoken to him on the phone twice. Not a lot as you know becuase he is tired.

I spoke to him today.
He asked me where I was.
He said that no one told him I was leaving.
he asked me why I didnt tell him.

I cant talk about this anymore. Im sorry. This is too hard.