Five steps to GREATER JOY in this world of sorrow

A pamphlet by Wayne Alan Brenner.  Thank the lord for pamphleteers.  This is the transcription of a special pamphlet my mother recieved in the mail!  please try to print this out before you read it.  if you cannot, then simply follow the steps as closely as is possible.  I REALLY WANT YOU TO HAVE THIS.

STEP ONE

The first thing you need to do is: let this document fall.

That’s right, hold it out in front of yourself and let it fall to the ground.  Make sure you watch it fall – watch it closely, now – and make sure it falls all the way, make sure it actually hits the ground.  If it hits the ground, then you know that gravity’s still at work, that everything’s doing what it’s supposed to do, and then you’re free to move on to the next step.

It’s extremely important that the fact of gravity be firmly and freshly established before you move on.  We cannot stress this point enough.  And whereas other objects may have been let’s say tampered with to provide the mere illusion of gravity, this document has been prepared in such a way that will thwart those provisions, that will undo the illusion of flase gravity, that will allow for a valid test.

Go ahead, now, make sure of it.  Before you read on, let this document fall.

STEP TWO

Empty your mind of all unkind thoughts.

This step, as every step, is also important.  The way to accomplish this second step is to recall the last unkind thought you had.  Perhaps you wished a sudden and violent death for the overly aggressive driver of a car on the way to where you recieved this document.  Perhaps a rival for romantic affection recently made certain inroads with the object of your desire and you contemplated mayhem.  Perhaps you currently wish misfortune upon the author of this document or, conversely, upon those who would tamper with objects to provide the illusion of gravity.

You must now seize upon that unkind thought, whatever it may be, and you must not allow it such a fleeting existence.  You must bring the full strength of your imagination to bear and picture in vivid detail the consequences of your angry desire: the snapping of the aggressive driver’s spine, say, as his car slams into a telephone pole and dark splinters penetrate the flesh of his compromised body; the sudden onset of cancer in the lymph nodes of that pushy creep who’s gotten all friendly with your major dating prospect; the sundering of the finances of this document’s author; the crippling of the legs – already mottled with clumsy bruises and hideously mapped with varicose highways of vein – pf those who would falsify gravity to further their unspeakable means.

When you have fully imagined these things, when you have exhaustively catalogued the true extent of each facet of the desired damage, only then will your mind be cleansed of its stain and similar stains of ill boding.  Only then can you move on to the next step.

STEP THREE

Call your best friend.

Do not hesitate, as you did in the dropping of this document: call your best friend right now.

There are many reasons for this, but we will address only one: for all you know, your best friend has died.

For all you know. that cherished on has been the latest target of the world’s random violence and breathes no more.  Imagine your best friend in a car wreck, spine snapping instantly upon collision with a telephone pole whose dark splinters, et cetera; the familiar face degraded by a hail of bullets from theautomatic rifle of one pushed to such extremes by who knows what inward and outward pressures; the final insult of a disease that has desecrated the body and spirit of the beloved for such a long and painful time; perhaps a fall from great heights during a period in which those who would falsify gravity and its attendant laws have been, unfortunately in this instance, held at bay.

The first example, especially is of no little likelihood.  Do you not shudder to think of the amount of people killed in traffic accidents each year, each month, almost each and every day, in this very city?  The families shattered, the lives derailed, the bright promises of youth and old age forever unfulfilled?

For all you know, your best friend may have recently joined that sad number, and if you have any honest feeling of affection for that friend, you must put this document down and make the call.

When the call is answered – if it is answered – you need not tell your friend "I love you" or "I was thinking about you" or even "I just wanted to let you know that I’m glad you’re my friend, because it’s not all that easy for me to make friends with people, especially these days, what with the fear of past rejection, real or perceived, shadowing my desires, and with the anxiety toward misunderstandings or uncomfortable disagreements that we know can occur in any deepening relationship, and even just considering the sheer amount of time taken up by so many responsibilities in this complex life – the day job, the cooking of meals, the washing of laundry, the reading of documents, other friends, et cetera – and I just wanted to tell you that I think I’m pretty damned lucky, that both of us are lucky, to have a friendship like this, and it means a hell of a lot to me, you know?"

You could, instead, suggest that the two of you get together for lunch sometime or that you go out for drinks at your favorite bar or catch a movie together.  You could even, upon hearing your friend’s familiar voice routinely greeting whoever’s called, simply hang up, reassured.

But make the call now.

STEP FOUR

Drink a glass of water.

This may sound frivolous at first, but it, too is a very important step – especially as preceded by the previous activity – and should be undertaken immediately.  The reason for this is that the proverbially recommended eight glasses of water a day are no laughing matter: they will allow for a steadier, cleaner metabolism and will provide for much greater health in all the systems of your body.  Also, in drinking a glass of water after having called your best friend, it is hoped – and thorough testing has verified that this hope will often be fulfilled – that an association will be set up: that you will think of drinking a glass of water each time you think of your best friend, and that, further, after reading this document, any thoughts of mortality, of the inevitability of death, will also compel you to drink.

The human body is, as you are likely aware, composed of a certain percentage of water.  The main benefit from the drinking of water  (the benefit from which also spring the second-level boons of physical health and general well-being) is the steady maintenance of that percentage.

Those who would provide an illusion of gravity to further their unspeakable means, those who so wantonly play at fiddlesticks with the laws of our well reasoned physics, in direct and often open opposition to the author of this document, among others… thosedesecrants have bodies composed (we have discovered) of a certain lesser percentage of water and are often operationally thwarted by the enforced knowledge of their aqueous inferiority.

With this in mind, it is further suggested that two glasses of water right now might be an even better idea.

STEP FIVE

Pass this document to the next person you see.

Regardless of whether that person is known intimately to you, or is a casual acquaintance, or is a complete stranger whom you may never see again: pass the document to them now.

Do not, however, pass it to them in an offhand manner.  Pause for a moment after you have gained their attention.  Look steadily into their eyes as they move to accept the document.  Look steadily into their eyes and know that what you are handing them is a key to greater joy in this world of sorrow.  Look steadily into their beautiful, wondering eyes and say, calmly and clearly: "I really want you to have this."

For information about the author of this document: http://www.wabsite.org