sandy claws

You know… the thought of santa claus is pretty frightnening.  A perverted fat man who hangs out with assloads of short elves that look like underaged girls, sneaking into your home at night under cover of darkness, down the chimney (which most middle Americans can no longer spell, thanks to standardized testing), STALKING you every year and demanding cookies and milk… and if you’re BAD?  Well you my friend get this radioactive piece of uranium so you get radiation poisoning and DIE A HORRIBLE DEATH!  Your pee shall flow as blood.  It’s only a matter of time.

Santa doesn’t bring you what YOU want for christmas.  He brings you what HE wants for christmas.  Think of how many dreams have been shattered by the fat red father of despair!  That’s why it never quite lives up to what you expected.  You know what he’s doing when he makes little children sit on his lap?  Yeah, that’s when he’s judging you.  All the greed in your soul… all the materialistic filth.  He’ll cleanse you of all that with the brittle squeegee of disappointment.  Making the world a better place?  Bah!  Humbug.  He has better things to do.

The bells doth toll when his sleigh takes flight… bionic levitating reindeer.  And why reindeer? The saddest of all mammals?  With the possible exception of Eeyore… because the harrowing sight of their fell hooves riding the COLD DARK WIND of the deepest winter’s chill will bring fear and humility to all the little god fearing children of the world.  You think I’m getting dark.  Am I then?  Or is it the deep dark secret of Christmas?  The word we shall not take in vain and so we mark it with the most negative of symbols… the X.  The birth of a man who would rise from the dead?  Married to that of a pagan ritual of bitter judgement?  I bring only light to the foul nature of this day… this day of TAKING.  What you give, others only take.  The have-nots rule this day, for it is a day of loss.  A day of reckoning.  Naughty or nice… you WILL be judged.