time to break some fingers.

Warning: this entry is full of condescending elitism and obsessive compulsive attention to vice and bad habits.  Anyone who thinks I’m being too mean can try being related to the people I’m bad-mouthing and then they can come see if I care.  This entry is truth laced with satire.

Well I’ve decided to delve into that forbidden zone I mentioned before.  Since Karen decided to bring her Soup Of Doom yesterday I’ll start with her.  Karen is my mother’s younger sister.  This makes her my aunt, in case you couldnt’ figure that out on your own.  How can I put this simply?  Karen annoys the bejesus out of me.  I love her, she’s kin, but GAAOOOOHHHDDDDDD!  Now to be fair, she’s not an asshole like Rick, and it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I’m related to her, but she has practically no manners and she’s not very bright.  She doesn’t exactly have a speech impediment, but her accent is so thick that she pronounces every "s" as though it were "sh." rather, she mishpronouncesh jusht about everything.  Acrosst.  Enought.  It’s a ‘mute’ point.  It should be noted that she spells things this way too.  She keeps tellign my mom that she leared to spell phoneticly, but my mom says she just never learned to spell.  Which is probably true.  Also she’s a VERY loud talker.  You know those guys that talk on their cell phones at the top of their lungs?  She’s louder than that without the phone.  But it’s not just the constant babbling that’s loud, everything she does seems to be aimed at producing the most noise possible.

Take the example of her soup for instance.  Every step of this lunch involves crashing dishes, disgusting wet noises, clinking silverware and heavy breathing.  She’ll take as long as possible removing the pull tab lid from her soup can so I can enjoy the sound of tearing metal before slopping it into a giant pyrex bowl and dropping (not setting) it in the microwave.  She then proceeds to nuke the soup until the carrots literally explode and it’s way too hot for her to eat.  She’ll shuffle the newspaper whether she’s reading it or not as she creates a space on the table and proceeds to loudly slurp on each spoonful of her chicken noodle nightmare because she doesn’t think to cook it for a shorter length of time, or let it cool with some ice cubes.  Then she’ll proceed to grab a bag of crackers while crinkling the wrapper as much as humanly possible (it’s more than normal, trust me) and proceeds to chew on the wrapper trying to bite it open, then crumbles them with her fidgety fat fingers on her soup.  Then the soup is to be stirred up but not in a manner suggesting that she’s stirring the soup and accidently hitting the bowl with the spoon, but that she’s stirring the bowl and accidently hitting the soup.  Then she gets a noodle or a nuggety chunk of chicken and the real fun begins.  I swear this woman does not use her teeth to chew anything other than cellophane wrappers.  You can hear the wet splorching of her tongue mushing whatever is in her mouth against the roof of her mouth or possibly her gums as she smacks her way through her meal, piehole agape.  Once her shoup cools enought she then proceeds to take it one spoonful at a time, and if she had titanium teeth they’d go right through that spoon, because every time it gets anywhere near her mouth she bites down on it audibly as she reads the funnies, chuckling like a lawnmower engine that won’t turn over.  She continues to gum everything in her soup that somewhat vaguely resembles a solid, and when it gets to the dregs she proceeds to gulp it down with as much air as soup (any time I hear someone do this it upsets my stomach and I have to burp for them) followed by some gratuitous lip smacking and an apparently obligatory "ahhhhh!" as if I couldn’t HEAR how fucking delicious her stupid soup was.

Then she’ll get her yogurt and crinkle the foil top all the way around before pulling it off and licking it clean with an horrendous noise that sounds somewhat like melted sneakers peeling off of a hot tin roof but with more wetness.  And then more foil crinkling.  That woman has the most fidgety squirmy fingers ever.  Karen will then treat me to a reading of the ingredients of her yogurt in her louder-than-what-is-comfortable voice.  She especially enjoys the words she can’t pronounce (which would be most of them) and she gleefully tries on several wrong pronunciations of each one.  And when she’s done with the yogurt she will then proceed to scrape out every little corner of the yogurt cup violently as if raking the inner plastic walls with the spoon will somehow milk more yogurt out of the empty container.  She’ll repeat this at least twice.  After she finishes her lunch she sucks the tip of each one of her fingers as though she thinks its the cutest thing ever, even though there is absolutely nothing on them but fatness.  This has ALWAYS driven my mom crazy.  And my mom happens to agree with me about the disgusting noises Karen makes when she eats, but then there’s also everything else she does.  I’d try to use "standing still" as an example but it doesn’t happen.  She’s always wriggling her fingers or picking at her teeth or shifting her feet or messing with a piece of paper.  She can’t just be still like a normal person she ahs to act like an ADHD 5 year old that forgot to take her ritalin.  Whenever I’m gluing up a corner, if she’s walking by and she happens to like the moulding she’ll feel the need to tell me this and then fiddlefuck with the corner I just glued and pick at it.  That drives ME crazy.  Especially if it’s a special order frame and there’s a risk she could actally damage the compo on the corner.  Then she’ll just stand there like she forgot where she was going and stare vapidly at me.  😛  I don’t feel like writing anymore.  I’m gonna stop here and pick up later so other time.