That’s your horoscope for today

Yes, I shall be posting some horoscopes.  Not your everyday mundane generic horoscopes, mind you.  You can just open your newspaper or go to some rediculous website to find those.  THESE horoscopes though only a paragraph long, read like novellas of life affirmation and mission statments of personal freedoms.  Either skip down to the bottom to read them or first enjoy the tale of my day today.  I hardly get to write about work anymore because I enjoy it so much I usually end up telling everything to Blair and then the next thing I know it’s 3AM and I simply don’t have time to rewrite it in my diary.  SO MUCH funny stuff happens there.
So!  On the way in (I work with my parents at the family-owned frame shop, for those who ddin’t know) with my mom, we were having this conversation.  My dad had recently ordered some new shorts from one of those LL Bean type clothing catalogues and they turned out to be those retarded new "city" shorts that look like dress slacks that got hemmed just at the knee and they looked so rediculous he HAD to send them back.  My mom said "I can’t stand them!  They’re so tacky they look like something the volleyball team woudl wear to the White House with their flip-flops!"
I said "City shorts are the new flip-flops!"
"Why does he care waht they wear to the White House?  They’re just kids!"
"I know!  As if they need to dress like politicians!"
"What are they supposed to wear?  Plain skirts, white stockings, and Mary Janes?" ( I just realized this would make them look like powerpuff girls)
"You know what I’m going to wear if I ever go to the White House?"
"What?"
"Like… a puffy shirt and a cravat and knickers!"
"Damned cravat!  Can’t do a thing with it!  It just SITS there!"  (author’s note: we were quoting the Scarlet Pimpernil)
"Sink me!"
And just as my mom comes up with the suggestion to wear "Spats!" she spat all OVER herself.  I don’t mean a tiny spit drop that hits the dash, I mean she seriously slobbered all over herself.  "That was like an artesian spring overflowing!"  Much hilarity ensues.
We were also talking about how my mom’s sister, whom also works with us, is a little on the clueless side.  She spells everything the way she pronounces it, and she mispronounces everything.  She says that she learned to spell phoneticly, but my mom says she just never learned to spell.  "that’s a MUTE point" "I hope I have ENOUGHT rope to get ACROSST this pit."  no joke.  She says "nookyooler" too.  She also claims to sing bass in the church choir, which caused me much amusement, because bass is only sung by men like Isaac Hayes and Johnny Cash.  Women sing CONTRAALTO.  If their voice is that low.
We spent the rest of the car ride making fun of my mom’s hyperactive saliva glands and singing "Shaft" and "Ring of Fire" and "I Walk The Line" as deeply as humanly possible.  I tossed in some "Old Man River" and a nod to Spaceballs with "Nobody knows… the trouble I seen!  Nobody knows… but Jesus"  "She’sa bass!  Who knew?"  It was funy indeed, but the crazy part is we have conversations like this ALL THE TIME!  I don’t need to work out because I laugh so much it’s like doing 100 crunches every day.  At least that’s what my sides tell me.
Like this one time at lunch my mom and I ended up on opposite sides of the lunch table with the last cookie resting directly between us.  In tandem we looked at the cookie, then at eachother and we knew what must be done.  We both adopted fighting stances, then she picks up… A PLASTIC FORK!  So I counter by picking up a butter knife!  She pulls a lemon wedge out of an iced tea and squeezes it in my eyes blinding me, so I grab the salt shaker and do a cut/shake combo attack.  And we couldn’t continue our sissyfight due to extreme laughter.
Anyway… lots of stories.  Plus I’ve been tearing into the webcomics lately.  I’ve even started MY VERY OWN WEB COMIC.  I am in need of artists because I am lazy.  These are a few of my new favs:
http://devilspanties.keenspot.com/d/20030408.html
http://www.pawn.se/index.html
http://www.nuklearpower.com/daily.php?date=010302
and I KNOW I know I know.  8-bit theater is one fo my old favs.  but it has the most relevance to my own comic.  Which brings up an important detail… O.o  It needs a name!  so help me out here.  The main character is a fighter.  Since the stereotypical fighter is a dumbass I thought it would expand my punchline pool if I made the fighter the smartest one in the party, and being surrounded by morons drives him crazy.  Plus, since he’s a fighter, everyone automaticly assumes he’s dumb as a box of hair and he fights hard to get past that hurdle.  We’ve also got a 97 year old level 1 wizard who is mostly deaf and has to read lips to understand anyone at all.  Then we’ve got the ninja.  He not only wears black, he IS black.  Despite being a ninja and being a total badass, he’s relatively incompetent.  He’s also gay.  Then there’s the HOT stacked female bard.  All of her spells are cast through yodeling, and she’s as dumb as the stereotypical fighter.  Then there’s the paladin of Heironeous who is a goody goody and is Lawful Stupid.  Finally there’s the obligatory cat girl who will be a class of my own creation.  A Milk Maid.  A catnip addict and scatterbrained.  Anyway you’ll have to read it to learn more.  And now the moment you’ve all been waiting for!  Your horoscopes for today!  (I’ll be doing this for you luvlies every thursday or friday as long as I can get a Chronicle.)
Cancer! (June21-July22): In 1982 I moved into a new home in Santa Cruz. It was just a funky old cottage that had once been a barn, but I was ecstatic to have it. As I opened the front door to begin my first day there, a violet-crowned hummingbird bolted inside in front of me, stayed for a few minutes, then departed. I regarded its visit as a phenomenally good omen, and it turned out to be just that. During my years in that house, I wrote my first book, recorded my first music album, fell in love with the woman I married, and conceived my daughter. Almost exactly 24 years later, I’m meditating on your horoscope as I sit in my current abode. "Send me a sign," I just said to the gods. "What’s in the works for Cancerians?" Now a violet-crowned hummingbird is dancing exuberantly in front of my window, peering in, lingering a long time. I take it to mean you’re at the beginning of a great opening.
Leo (July 23-Aug 22): According to the organization Human Rights Watch, there are currently 2,225 American convicts condemned to life sentences for crimes they perpetrated as teenagers. In contrast, the entire rest of the world has only 12 prisoners in a similar situation. I favor the more lenient approach that prevails on the planet outside of the U.S.–not just for criminals but for everyone. Though most of us didn’t commit felonies when we were young, we all made big mistakes that caused problems for us as well as others. Should we suffer for our sins forever? I hope not. It so happens that the coming days will provide fresh opportunities for you Leos to atone for and correct the wrong turns you made way back when.
Virgo (Aug23-Sept 22): HELP WANTED: looking for a smart operator who has expertise in both rebellion and compromise. Must be willing to break taboos if necessary in order to help people, but must also be a sensitive and empathetic collaborator who’s skilled at creating harmonious solutions. Are you a rugged individualist with a strong sense of self or are you a community builder who can get along with a wide variety of human types? Both, hopefully. Be a good listener who expresses yourself clearly.
Libra (Sept 23-Oct 22): If you set your mind to it, you could break the world’s record for most ketchup sipped through a straw in three minutes, or the greatest distance pushing a tangerine down a highway with one’s nose, or the most jumps on a pogo-stick in the rain at dawn while wearing a leather jumpsuit. For that matter, Libra, you now have the boldness, physical vigor, and slightly crazed chutzpah to accomplish a whole range of precedent-breaking feats, from halting an abuse of power you’ve been putting up with to overthrowing the soggy status quo that has watered down the passions of everyone in a group you care about.
Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21): The U.S. Congress creates a constant stream of new legislation, but that doesn’t mean President Bush has to enforce it. Since he took office in 2001, in fact, Bush has chosen to disobey more than 750 freshly minted laws. At the risk of getting you in trouble with the powers-that-be, I’m advising you to make Bush your role model in the coming week. Try to get away with ignoring any rules of the game you don’t like or agree with. To maximize your chance of sailing through unscathed, proceed as Bush does–in a stealth mode, not calling attention to the fact that you’re in a rebel outlaw mode.
Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21): Please stick to drinking low-fat water in the coming days; avoid the high-fat H20 whenever possible. Likewise, inhale only the kind of oxygen that’s low in cholesterol, and don’t allow your eyes to take in fatty landscapes or other calorie-rich sights. In other words, Sagittarius, celebrate simple pleasures. To make best use of the astrological opportunities, you’ve got to consistently choose the most raw, basic options.
Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19): Last week’s symbol was a closed fist. The mood was determined, fierce, and intolerant of any funny stuff. But you’re leaving the zone in which that stance made sense. Your new metaphor is the open hand. Your chances at succeeding will increase in proportion to your willingness to negotiate for peace, seek connection, and accept input. Receptivity is the Truth and the Way. "Why not?" is your power mantra. To prime yourself for the transition, I suggest that wherever you are right now, you spread your arms wide and unfurl your welcoming palms.
Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18): When you obsess on your adversaries, you risk becoming like them. The more you shape your life through your responses to things you don’t like, you invite them to define your destiny. You’ll have to be on guard against falling prey to this mistake in the coming weeks, Aquarius. While I don’t suggest that you totally ignore the forces that oppose you, neither do I recommend that you regularly wake up in the middle of the night and spend hours plotting your next ten moves against them. Confine your scheming to a circumscribed period–say every Saturday between 11:30 a.m. and noon–and devote the rest of your time to creating what you love.
Pisces (Feb 19-March 20): Actress Isla Fisher won the Breakthrough Performance award at the MTV Movie Awards for her role in the film Wedding Crashers. "For most people, playing a bi-polar nymphomaniac would have been a challenge," she said. "But I just played myself." She’s your role model for the coming week, Pisces. I hope she inspires you to be yourself, only bigger and badder and brighter. It’s like you have a poetic license to proceed as if you’re starring in the blockbuster movie of your own life.
Aries (March 21-April 19): A Malaysian woman survived a showdown with a tiger. Kaliyama was working as a rubber tapper when the big cat slinked up behind her and wrapped its jaws around her leg. "Amma! Amma!" she cried out, invoking the name of the mother goddess. The tiger let go, backed off a step, and glared at her. Summoning her courage, she gazed back at it. After a few minutes of this staring match, the tiger departed, leaving Kaliyama in peace. I advise you to use a similar approach in your engagement with a beastly influence, Aries. Ask for the goddess’s help, then let your essence beam out through the windows to your soul.
Taurus (April 20-May 20): In the game known as Rock Paper Scissors, each player pumps a fist twice and then displays his or her hand in one of three different shapes: flat to indicate a piece of paper, a fist to symbolize rock, or index finger and middle finger extended for scissors. Each of the three can beat just one of the other two. Scissors cuts paper, paper covers rock, and rock smashes scissors. For centuries in many cultures, this game has been used by pairs of people to settle small decisions, such as who will wash the dishes this time or who will run to the store to get beer. Though it’s not usually invoked to determine matters of great importance, you might consider bucking tradition this week. It may be impossible to solve knotty questions through common sense and negotiation. Why not try the Rock Paper Scissors approach?
Gemini (May 21-June 20): Sixty percent of Nigeria’s population lives below the poverty line. Yet according to the World Values Survey, published in New Scientist magazine, Nigerians are the happiest people on the planet. How can that be? It may have something to do with the Survey’s conclusion that "the desire for material goods is a happiness suppressant." Sounds to me like the conclusion the Buddhists came to a long time ago: Craving for earthly riches is the source of a lot of suffering. Luckily, you Geminis are in a phase when you have great power to shift your pursuit of satisfaction away from transitory, ephemeral, ultimately useless pleasures and toward the truly gratifying, eternal ones.