Please Explain This

When I made up my mind
And my heart along with that
To live not for myself
But yet for god
Somebody said
Do you know what you are getting yourself into?

When I finally ironed out
All of my priorities
And asked God to remove the doubt
That makes me unsure of these
Things I ask myself
I ask myself
Do you know what you are getting yourself into?

Im getting into you
Because you got to me
In a way words cant describe
Im getting into you
Because Ive got to be
Youre essential to survive
Im going to love you with my life

When he looked at me and said
I kind of view you as a son
And for a second our eyes met
And I met that with a question
Do you know what you are getting yourself into?

Im getting into you
Because you got to me
In a way words cant describe
Im getting into you
Because Ive got to be
Youre essential to survive
Im going to love you with my life

Ive been a liar and Ill never amount to
The kind of person you deserve to worship you
You say you will not dwell on what I did but rather what I do you say
I love you and thats what you are getting yourself into

Im getting into you (getting into you)
Because you got to me (because you got to me)
In a way words cant describe
Im getting into you (getting into you)
Because Ive got to be (because Ive got to be)
Youre essential to survive
Im going to love you with my life

You said I love you and thats what youre getting into

How do you explain a sudden shift in religous outlook? Going from, in moments, a complete rejection of religion and God in general to turning around and going, "Wait, let me take a second look at that…"

There’s way too much to retype here. I’ll include a conversation I had with someone I like to think of as a good friend of mine. In the next entry.

– Bryan}.wma".
[23:09] Rachel: Oh yeah.
[23:09] Rachel: And adults find it amusing too. We all win!
[23:10] Me: Trillian to Trillian works i guess
[23:10] Me: Yeah it IS amusing, and that scares me.
[23:10] Rachel: *sings* TOOOLD YOOUU
[23:10] Me: Even with the creepy religious undertones. *nods*
[23:10] Rachel: *rolls eyes*
[23:10] Me: lol
[23:10] Rachel: "I’m a Larry-Go-Round!"
[23:10] Me: *eye*
[23:10] Rachel: Larry had a plunger for an ear and was stuck to the ground swinging in circles.
[23:11] Me: wow
[23:11] Me: I’m not WATCHING this show…
[23:11] Me: Who is Relient K?
[23:11] *** You have received C:Documents and SettingsDeveloperMy Documents10 I Must Have It! {From King George and the Duck}.wma.
[23:13] Rachel: Relient K has been a big name in the Christian music world for a long ass time and recently they’ve been branching into mainstream, with great success.
[23:13] Me: this is a really short song. 44 seconds?
[23:13] Rachel: OH NO I SAID THE C WORD!
[23:13] Rachel: A lot of them are short.
[23:13] Me: Great. Now you have me downloading Christian rock. Today is just full of weird twists.
[23:14] Rachel: *examines nails* I have no idea what you’re talking about.
[23:14] Me: This is like…a year of submliminal religious messages at work, isn’t it?
[23:15] Rachel: Okay, now I honestly don’t know what you’re talking about.
[23:15] Me: *nods* Of course. Not that I mind…good tunes are good tunes, no matter the message.
[23:15] Rachel: Mmhmm.
[23:15] Rachel: *hunts for it* Where did I put that one..
[23:15] Me: That’s why my favorite band is ‘Satan Stole My Walkman So I Kicked Him In The Balls’
[23:16] Me: *nods* What now?
[23:16] Rachel: I have a song. Called The Untimely Death of Brad.
[23:16] Me: oo
[23:16] Rachel: One of my favorite sillier songs, ever.
[23:17] Me: Damn it. Damn it. Damn it.
[23:17] Me: I saw this happening eventually…I really did…
[23:18] Rachel: What?
[23:18] Me: I am generally shaped by the music I listen to.
[23:19] Rachel: Aren’t most people?
[23:19] Me: The thing about this is that when I find a new group or something I enjoy, I listen to them repeatedly. Until it sickens everyone around me.
[23:19] Rachel: So do a lot of people. 😉
[23:19] Me: Then, after that, I generally end up seeking out tons of similar-sounding music. Thus continuing the "shaped by".
[23:20] Rachel: Well, Veggie Tales is rather unique. No fear there.
[23:20] Me: Not Veggie Tales really, that I’m talking about.
[23:21] Me: Relient K. More specifically, "Getting Into You"…that’s a really moving song. *blink* I’m not certain I just said that. No, yes I did..
[23:21] Rachel: I like Relient K.
[23:21] Rachel: And there’s a reason they’ve been around for, like, ever. =P
[23:21] Rachel: I found it! Yay!
[23:22] Rachel: When I get my flash drive back, I’ll transfer the song to this computer and send it to you.
[23:22] Me: I don’t think you know the gravity of what I’m saying, though. For the past couple years, I’ve been rather anti-religion. Avoiding anything to do with it for very specific reasons. But…I’m afraid this may change things. And yes, music does rule my life in that sense. It can, anyway.
[23:22] Me: I can download it =)
[23:22] Rachel: Do it!
[23:22] Rachel: Five Iron Frenzy.
[23:22] Rachel: No, I know what you’re saying. I’m just making you say it.
[23:22] Me: Yeah it started.
[23:23] Me: I’m not sure how I feel about it.
[23:23] Rachel: Then don’t worry about it for now.
[23:23] Me: That won’t happen. I do know I want to talk about it, I just don’t…know exactly why.
[23:23] Rachel: Oookay, let’s talk then. I’m always willing to yak.
[23:24] Rachel: Are you as anti-change as I am?
[23:24] Me: Depends on the kind of change.
[23:24] Me: If it’s the kind of change that, if I accept it as true, will require I change so much about myself, then yes.
[23:25] Rachel: Well, hypothetically speaking, if you accepted it as true, how much of you would you have to change?
[23:25] Me: Depends on what I end up deciding is "okay".
[23:27] Me: Let’s make a list of the usual taboo things I generally partake in. I’m not holding anything back here, it’s a list that needs analysis…- porn, and all that goes with it, – my extreme use of language, – most of the music I listen to, – the movies I watch, – my visits to strip clubs, getting drunk and stumbling across wherever I am, – how I treat other people, – my general day-to-day life will change radically with each of these things.
[23:28] Me: Not only that, but…
[23:28] Me: I would have to be willing to accept the chance that there are things beyond scientific explanation, and this bothers me most.
[23:28] Rachel: You wouldn’t have to nix all that at once, you know. You can take it slow. Start with the easy things and work your way up.
[23:28] Rachel: Why do you want everything to be able to be scientifically explained?
[23:28] Me: Because that’s how I think.
[23:29] Me: I look at everything as rationally as I can.
[23:29] Me: What’s more rational, a random explosion that created everything from chaos, or some being whose own origins are totally unknown to us making us?
[23:29] Rachel: Science can’t explain everything. It’s nowhere near advanced enough. It’d be like trying to color in an exact replica of the sunset with a 8 pack of Crayolas.
[23:30] Me: What’s more rational, we evolved or something and now we’re here to live and die and that’s it, or that a supposedly benevolent diety put us here so we could "choose" sin or not?
[23:30] Rachel: Well, on that random explosion, where did the components of the explosion come from? What made them react like that? What are the odds that life can survive so well on this planet, but none of the others so close to us? There are gaping holes in every theory.
[23:31] Me: Okay, but where does God come from? Everything has an origin, why doesn’t he?
[23:31] Rachel: Same thing with evolution–where did it all start?
[23:31] Rachel: The correct answer to that is that God does not have an origin, he just always was.
[23:32] Rachel: However, I hold more with those who say that the human brain has limits, and the origin of everything–God or the big bang or what–is pushing those limits.
[23:32] Me: I know that’s what’s supposed to be the case, but how can that be? I find that more difficult to believe than the theory that the random explosion came from nothingness.
[23:32] Rachel: Why?
[23:32] Rachel: Energy can’t be created or destroyed. Where did the requisite energy for the explosion come from?
[23:32] Me: Because the Big Bang isn’t reliant on any particular being in order to be true.
[23:33] Rachel: It’s just reliant on the sudden existence of sufficient energy and insane odds.
[23:33] Me: It’s just an unlikely that some being has always existed.
[23:33] Me: as*
[23:33] Rachel: So pick one, then. 😉
[23:33] Me: That’s always been my issue.
[23:34] Me: I can’t pick one. Just go, "Okay, I believe that one." because I haven’t seen anything to suggest either one is absolute truth.
[23:34] Rachel: Some things just aren’t worth wracking brains over, and trying to define origins is one of them, in my opinion.
[23:34] Rachel: Then you will have a frustrated life.
[23:34] Me: This I know.
[23:34] Rachel: So why volunteer for it?
[23:34] Me: Because, in my experience, having been on both sides of this before…
[23:35] Me: It’s easier to ignore the possibility that God might exist. Instead of letting a Book of Morales run my life, I can pick for myself what is right or wrong for me.
[23:35] Me: It all leads back to my need for independence. I do not like my actions being dictated.
[23:36] Rachel: But you joined the Army.
[23:36] Me: I saw that one coming.
[23:36] Rachel: You set it up.
[23:36] Me: I did.
[23:36] Me: I did that on a whim, without clear thinking.
[23:36] Me: I see your point, however; I joined the Army because the end benefits are well worth the short time of discomfort I’m bound to have.
[23:37] Rachel: Personally, I know there’s no way I can handle everything on my own. I’ve tried, and failed. And it takes more energy than I feel like surrendering to futility. So independence or not–and you KNOW by now I can practically redefine independence–sure. Dictate my life. Or, uh, try. We’ll see how it goes.
[23:37] Rachel: Did you set that one up to?
[23:37] Me: I realized the truthfulness of that right as I was typing it.
[23:38] Rachel: Do I even need to point out the parallel there, or can we go on?
[23:38] Me: No, I know. I saw that the second I started to type it.
[23:38] Me: However, the thing that will always nag the back of my mind is this:
[23:39] Me: I know I’m getting my college cash after the Army. But I can’t be sure that there actually IS anything past life.
[23:39] Rachel: That would be the faith part, and that is undoubtedly the hardest.
[23:40] Rachel: However, the faith that there is something is a damn good motivator… and do you know, absolute truth know, that you’re getting your cash after the Army?
[23:40] Me: Sure I do. It’s a written contract. And I’m sure you’ll point out that the Bible is also a written contract. Both contracts made by someone I’ve never seen before.
[23:41] Me: I think the biggest problem I’ve always had with religion is that I can argue for or against both sides, and my mind just gets totally confused because they each make sense.
[23:41] Rachel: It’s a written contract, but how many written contracts have been broken before? They’re all risks. Some more than others, but all still have a degree of risk involved.
[23:41] Rachel: Oh, I can too. I just know which one makes me feel better. ^_^
[23:42] Me: That’s too easy.
[23:42] Rachel: Why can’t it be easy?
[23:42] Me: I just can’t pick one because I feel better about it.
[23:42] Rachel: Why not?
[23:42] Me: Because that’s not a logical way to pick between two paths.
[23:43] Rachel: Why not?
[23:43] Rachel: Is there a better way that is available to you?
[23:43] Me: To pick the one that seems more feasible was my answer for quite some time.
[23:43] Rachel: I hear a ‘but..’ coming.
[23:44] Me: I’m not entirely certain what’s going on (yes I am), but I find myself more willing to take the "less independent" route in exchange for the better of two possible results.
[23:44] Me: I once read a theory, which also applies to gambling, odds, and chances…
[23:45] Rachel: Ooh, theories! lol
[23:45] Me: You determine if you go a certain route by comparing possible winnings versus possible losses.
[23:45] Rachel: *grin* I’d say life in paradise can beat out most anything.
[23:45] Rachel: But yes, that’s logical.
[23:46] Me: The idea was that you gamble for God, the possible winnings are Heaven. This is infinite gain. If you were wrong, and he doesn’t exist, you lose…what? Not much. You gamble against God, and you could possibly end up in Hell (provided you were wrong).which is infinite loss. If you were right, you gain…what? Again, not much.
[23:47] Me: So the chance of infinite gain at the cost of a few years of your life is the safest gamble, in the eyes of a mathematician following this theory. because if you choose not to gamble those few years, you risk that infinite loss.
[23:48] Me: I think one of the things that bugs me most is that, against my pride, I’m going to have to admit I was wrong. About everything.
[23:48] Rachel: Squeeze your eyes shut, mumble it in a private OD entry, and run away. =P
[23:48] Rachel: That’s what I do.
[23:48] Me: I refuse to do private entries.
[23:49] Rachel: Oh, well, okay.
[23:49] Me: I will not hide anything from those who read my stuff, because if I can’t say it out loud, why say it at all?
[23:49] Rachel: Because it needs to be said.
[23:49] Me: After all, you guys give me advice. Why keep anything from you?
[23:49] Rachel: In my case, because damn it, I want it off my chest.
[23:49] Rachel: Er, pride?
[23:49] Me: Nah, if I’m going to say it, I’ll say it so that everyone can see it.
[23:49] Rachel: Cool.
[23:49] Me: My pride works in strange ways.
[23:49] Rachel: *sings* She works in mysterious ways…
[23:50] Me: This isn’t quite what I was expecting from tonight, however.
[23:50] Me: I mean…
[23:50] Me: How do you go from one outlook (younger years), to another outlook (recent years), and back again?
[23:51] Rachel: A trampoline?
[23:51] Me: Quite.
[23:51] Rachel: No. You just do.
[23:51] Rachel: The problem with your logic fetish is that life doesn’t work logically, and the more you try to make it, the more it rebels.
[23:51] Me: This is the problem I have always had. I must view things as logically as I can.
[23:52] Rachel: I’d say that’s the first thing to work on, then.
[23:52] Rachel: How can you function with emotions?
[23:52] Me: Because they’re logical.
[23:52] Me: Emotions make sense to me.
[23:53] Rachel: Really?
[23:53] Me: Yes.
[23:53] Me: That’s the one thing I feel I have a grip on.
[23:53] Rachel: Love? Hate? Those weird things you can’t quite identify?
[23:53] Me: Weird things?
[23:54] Rachel: Well, I get them.
[23:54] Me: I understand those things.
[23:54] Rachel: But are they truly logical?
[23:54] Me: Yes, emotions themselves are logical.
[23:54] Me: It’s all chemical reactions to outside stimuli.
[23:54] Rachel: What about when they contradict?
[23:55] Me: Example.
[23:55] Me: ?
[23:55] Rachel: You feel happy and sad at the same time.
[23:55] Me: Something more specific than that.
[23:56] Rachel: I’m sure you can justify each one, but is it logical that you feel both simultaneously, sometimes at the same magnitude?
[23:57] Me: Certainly. Like how you could, for example, love and hate someone at the same time. You may have a strong emotional attachment to them, like a parent for example, yet hate them at the same level for some other aspect.
[23:57] Rachel: But why is it logical?
[23:58] Me: Because there are two simultaneous conflicting "emotional notes" that you have attached to that person or event. And seeing, experiencing, or thinking of that person/event is like triggering a program with multiple conflicting events.<br/>[23:58] Rachel: So why wouldn’t they cancel each other out?
[23:59] Me: Because it doesn’t work that way.
[23:59] Me: It’s the same reason that owing someone $5 and someone else owing you $5 doesn’t make it all dandy.
[23:59] Rachel: That’s three variables.
[23:59] Me: Each must be taken care of in their own right.
[23:59] Rachel: We were discussing two.
[23:59] Me: It’s the same principle.
[00:00] Rachel: You’re employing a lot of arbitrary logic here.
[00:00] Rachel: Primarily with "because it doesn’t work that way."
[00:00] Rachel: Why not?
[00:00] Me: Because two opposites don’t cancel each out like that.
[00:01] Me: like a math equation, they must addressed on their own before they can be "removed from the equation".
[00:01] Rachel: But they can sometimes.
[00:01] Me: I suppose they could. Maybe that’s when people just feel "meh"? I don’t have all the answers.
[00:02] Me: I think we’ve gotten a bit off point, in any case. Whether emotions are logical or not doesn’t really matter.
[00:03] Rachel: Why not?
[00:03] Me: You know? I don’t know. I don’t think anyone does.
[00:04] Me: I really don’t know what to think anymore, and I don’t even remember how this all started.
[00:06] Me: This was my outlook, not very long ago….
[00:06] Me: 1) There is no God, no greater power, no great energy. The closest thing to this is the possibility of a "collective unconscious".

2) There is no point. Nothing goes anywhere, no ultimate revelation or enlightenment that will give us the meaning of life. There

3) No matter what we do, it cannot change point 1 or 2. And regardless of how hard we work, everyone ends the same: dead. Oblivion. There is no real reason to pursue anything in life, because no matter who was the best, or worst, kindest or meanest, richest or poorest, the "reward" is the same.
[00:06] Rachel: Sorry, my mom came in to talk to me.
[00:06] Me: No problem.
[00:06] Rachel: That sounds like a boring, dull existence.
[00:07] Me: Which is why I was never really too excited about it.
[00:07] Rachel: Can’t see much to be excited about, although there were some times all I wanted was some great oblivion.
[00:07] Me: Another of my big issues was…
[00:08] Me: I mean, how could a benevolent being of unlimited power drop us here to "test" us? How could he? It’s not a choice, because in order to be omnipotent he has to know the results before they happen, thus removing our choice in the matter anyway.
[00:09] Rachel: Poor benevolent being. Screwed if he does, screwed if he doesn’t.
[00:09] Me: Wouldn’t it have been easier to skip the test, take the "worthy", and drop the rest off at the dump?
[00:09] Rachel: Where’s the fun in that?
[00:09] Me: What’s it matter, in the end?
[00:09] Rachel: Why not let the kids grow up before hauling them off?
[00:10] Rachel: Why does it have to matter in the end? Why can’t we do things for the sake of them mattering now?
[00:10] Me: I just mean…
[00:10] Me: Why drop us into a world of temptation, that most of us will fall to?
[00:10] Rachel: Why let your kids out the door at all?
[00:10] Me: Instead of just making us into kind, peaceful, loving people in the first place?
[00:11] Me: What would have been wrong with making us that kind of creature from the beginning?
[00:11] Rachel: Maybe nothing wrong, but what if he just didn’t want to?
[00:11] Me: That’s cruel.
[00:11] Rachel: What’s cruel about sending your kids off to the playground?
[00:11] Me: knowing that most of them won’t make it back? that’s what’s cruel
[00:12] Rachel: I think of Earth as a giant playground. Some of us will have a grand time, and some of us will run away and get hit by cars. Most of us will skin our knees at least once.
[00:12] Me: Would you take 10 kids to the playground to play, knowing that eight of them would die either on the way there or back?
[00:13] Rachel: Is that an accurate statistic?
[00:13] Me: It’s a fair estimate.
[00:13] Me: even if it was 50/50…
[00:13] Rachel: Then why punish the good half for the antics of the bad half?
[00:13] Rachel: If the bad half had just done what I told them, they’d be prancing to get ice cream with the good half.
[00:13] Me: Punish? When you could have just as easily blocked all the cars yourself and let them all play safely?
[00:13] Rachel: I said, don’t go off with strangers. The first thing they did was run off with a stranger.
[00:14] Rachel: The kids won’t learn anything. They won’t get to think for themselves. They won’t get to choose. And that’s not fair to them.
[00:14] Me: But when you know which of them are going to disappear in the process? And you still let that course get run?
[00:15] Rachel: And I can’t block the cars and the pedophiles and the strangers because I decided that I didn’t want to control everything… kind of why we roleplay, instead of writing novels.
[00:15] Rachel: It sucks. And that’s the problem with the playground. There are plans for renovations.
[00:16] Me: So you choose to let a few of them go through, quite literally, hell, just so the few who make it can enjoy their ice cream.
[00:16] Rachel: I told them to stay away from hell.
[00:16] Rachel: I gave them explicit warnings and descriptions. And they thought they knew best.
[00:16] Me: But you knew they were going anyway, is the point.
[00:16] Rachel: Yeah, pretty much.
[00:16] Rachel: They wanted to go. So I let them.
[00:17] Me: They wanted to go because not only did you give them the choice, you made them weak to it.
[00:17] Rachel: I didn’t make them weak. Someone else knew how to work them.
[00:17] Me: But you left that security hole open.
[00:17] Rachel: What would have lured one kid didn’t work on another.
[00:17] Rachel: Sure I did. As I did on all of them.
[00:17] Rachel: There’s a certain level of accountability there.
[00:19] Me: I don’t think I’m going to argue about it anymore, because honestly…I think I’ve already made up my mind on the whole thing. For good this time, I think.
[00:19] Rachel: You know… what if I did drag them all around with no regard for their feelings or personalities? Wouldn’t I gather crap for that too?
[00:19] Rachel: Just asking.
[00:19] Rachel: That’s cool. Whenever you want to stop, just say el wordo.
[00:19] Me: No, I mean…
[00:20] Me: I don’t need to argue for or against either side, because…I’ve already decided on a course of action, so to speak.
[00:20] Rachel: Awesome.
[00:21] Me: It’s not going to be the easiest thing I’ve done, but I suppose it’s about time I did something. And I think I know that there are people I can turn to, anyway. I think I’ll need that.
[00:21] Rachel: Yes. That’s the best part–you’re not alone.
[00:21] Rachel: And hey, since when was the easiest thing you’ve ever done the most rewarding? 😉
[00:22] Me: Not many things I’ve ever done have really been rewarding, so I don’t have much of a comparison.
[00:23] Rachel: Oh, okay. So let this be a test run. XD
[00:23] Me: I’m not even worried about that. Which is odd.
[00:23] Rac