mixed reactions

So the three men in my life have made this last weekend…interesting. I’ll go from the worst part to the best part because ending on a good note is always a good thing.

So Friday I arrive home from work to find a box outside my front door. It had been a great day. It was my last training day, I passed the last two training tests with flying colors, I got to be behind the bar all day (which I really have fun doing), a customer made it a point to mention me on his comment card, and I was going out dancing with CJ, Lyss, her boyfriend, and some other friend. I thought the box was a Christmas present my mom had ordered, but when I looked at the label is said it was for me. I was really confused because I hadn’t ordered anything. It turned out to be a dozen of my favorite flowers with several lines of a love poem from one of my favorite poets. BW. It was so sweet and so thoughtful and it made me sad and frustrated. Sad because I want him to have an easy time moving on and actually making a life for himself in the city. I want him to find an amazing woman to lavish his attention on and who thinks the sun rises and sets in his eyes. And frustrated because it ruined the day and I don’t want to ever think of him with resent and anger.

Today Skippy and I apparently reached the end of our two year cycle. We have been best friends for eight years, and just about every two years we reach a point where I am single and he professes his love for me. I know he loves me, and there was a brief span of time about five years ago when I thought my love for him was the romantic kind. I don’t know what I would do without him in my life and he doesn’t know what he would do without me. So every two years he ventures to question whether we can be more and I say no and he settles for being my best friend. This time it was less torturous. He had been expecting me to say no. We hugged and talked about it for a while in the freezing cold outside the movie theater. I think he is finally more resigned to the fact that he has all of me that he can. Which makes me sad, because he is an amazing guy who has so much love to give to a woman. He would bend over backwards and around in a circle to do whatever he could to make her happy. He tries out relationships, but always with women who don’t appreciate him and I am not sure if it is subconsciously on purpose or just that he happens to end up in unfortunate relationships. Regardless, he deserves more than just settling for friends with a woman he loves. He thinks we are perfect together, and 90% of the time he is right. But I don’t love him that way and even more than I want BW to find love, I want Skippy to find an amazing woman who loves every fiber of his being to make him realize that what he thinks we have is nothing in comparison to that.

I spent the entire weekend with CJ. And I think the best way to sum all of that and us and my entire world up right now is that when I am with him, I don’t want to sleep because I feel like every minute that I am with him and not consciously aware of his thoughts, movements, breathing, and being is a waste of time.