12/01/2009

I don’t expect this to be cohesive.

It is really scary to let someone see all the sides of you that don’t really make sense to you. Sides you don’t like and fear others won’t like. Especially when it is the positive sides that make them so excited about you. Lyss and Skippy have seen it all. They don’t care. It is safe to feel crazy around them. And of the parade of men in my life, somehow this is evolving differently and I don’t know how to handle it. I think there is this line that you can cross with someone where they see everything and on the other side of that line they either walk away or accept you. I think I have always just kind of thrown everything across that line right off the bat before I got too attached, so if they walked away, it didn’t matter so much. Not consciously. A product of still somehow feeling like I have too much baggage; that people will think that I am not worth the trouble of dealing with it.

But this time, I’ve known the guy 2.5 months and we have been getting closer for about a month. Which, for me (sadly), is pretty slow and steady. And every time I am around him I am happy and and troubles seem to melt away. Birds singing, skies blue and all that. And he thinks I am perfect. Even though he knows about some of my sordid past. Actually a lot of it. But as a thing of the past. I am afraid for him to see me on the nights when I just feel like crying and crying for no reason at all. The nights when I feel a little bit like I am going crazy because there is no reason or rhyme to my emotions. Cause in my head that is the line and the longer I know him, the more afraid I am that he will choose to walk away on the other side of it.

The rational healthy side of me tells the dependent, depressed, and cowering side that I am a strong, loving person who is worth dealing with a little inconsolable sadness; that if he doesn’t think so then he isn’t the guy I am beginning to think that he is. In this discussion, my rational, healthy side doesn’t always win. It won with B (not to be confused with BW) a couple years ago. However, the fact that the rational healthy side sometimes (usually subconsciously) loses probably has something to do with the fact that I am drawn to the really sweet, slightly (sometimes not so slightly) dependent guys who would never leave me. I never really thought of them that way until Lyss described most of them that way in a conversation about my fear of this new, budding relationship. He’s different, in so many ways that are good for me; most of which are the same exact ways that terrify me. I think because they are out of my patterned safe zone.

Hmm. Which is also why I think the rational, healthy side is going to win this battle. Because that side knows that the dependent, depressed, cowering side is feeding on its own fear of rejection, which is magnified by this man’s independence.

I guess he is going to need a horribly decypherable code name too. CJ. Henceforth, and I hope there is a henceforth, he shall be CJ, because CJ reminds me of a promise I made to myself in here that I haven’t kept quite as well as I had hoped, though I always thought I was at the time. That has to count for something.  Hindsight is at least 20/30.

"So new promise to myself: I deserve a healthy, loving relationship full of possibilities that do not limit the things I want to accomplish in life with someone who engages me intellectually, emotionally, and physically and is eager to explore life with me. I will never settle for less than this again." –the full entry can be found at:http://www.opendiary.com/entryview.asp

I feel much better now. More empowered. Less lost. Less scared. OD to the rescue yet again.