conflicts

I am in an odd mood.

I wrote an entry a while ago. Probably about a year ago. About desperation —>  http://www.opendiary.com/entryview.asp Right now I am at a bit of a loss for words to pin point exactly what is going on.

The first struggled, muddled, tangible words that came to mind were conflicted desperation.

An overwhelming need to open some gate inside me and let all the beautiful things and people in my life and the world just come gushing in.  Breathe it all in and let it absorb into my bloodstream like oxygen. Absorb it all through every cell and vein in my body. A bit desperate to surround myself in a whirlwind of it all; like being in the center of a tornado.

Maybe in an attempt to stem the sense that I am floating outside my body and watching myself. Odd to put that sensation into a visual image.

The other slightly desperate urge is to just pick up and go. A little literally, a little figuratively. Just run and run and run until I find my next experience and location.

But I know from experiences, literal and figurative, that it doesn’t work that way; even though my often illogical instincts tell me it will.

I think I am just really bad at treading water.